Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written.  This has been my worst semester since probably 2010, just in terms of stuff that has happened and depression.  Need to process some stuff, I guess.  Supposed to be grading final essays, but have had a few serious talks the past few days and those are on my mind.

I've been in several hard places lately: lost one of my part-time jobs last month, had $1200 in car repairs, owed $1200 in taxes.  Then, yesterday, I found out that neither of the classes I was planning to teach for the summer went through, and I had a meeting about that with the supervisor; I was hoping to get at least one because that's my only summer income.  So after that meeting, I was very depressed and down on myself and having suicidal thoughts, and I'd texted something like that to GJ, who called me when she got the text.  So, talk ensued, and she was kind to me but still serious.  We talked through the job loss a bit.  I said that I would never do anything to end my life, and she said she knows that and she believes me.  Even that is reassuring.

It was helpful when she said this: “You will go to class.  You will grade this weekend.  This is what God has set for you to do.”  Just to remind myself of what I need to do.  I did crash when I got home and spent three hours lying on the couch, but I was texting with M, she invited me over for the night when I told her about the negative thoughts, and that was an answer to prayer.  And I still got some essays graded.

C called me this morning-- I had just seen her last night, so when I saw she was calling, I got a little worried...was I in trouble?  Kinda, yeah, but she was nice about it-- we talked about my negative thoughts mostly.  When two of your friends say "I'm concerned about you/this" in two days, makes you sit up and take notice.  I liked that her tone was gentle and that she was asking me questions and WHY I do things, so I knew she cared and it wasn't just lecture.  And then, at the end of the conversation, "I love you.  Really."  I know that because you called.  ;)  We had a nice, fun conversation last night, so that helped too.

Oh, this was a text from C the other day, after I told her I wished I could get a spanking so I could get over stuff and because I get mad at myself: "oh kiddo--- sometimes the weight of being disappointed with certain responses we have is much worse than a spanking- I do understand that.  I love you- I won't stop loving you."