Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. This has been my worst semester since probably 2010, just in terms of stuff that has happened and depression. Need to process some stuff, I guess. Supposed to be grading final essays, but have had a few serious talks the past few days and those are on my mind.
I've been in several hard places lately: lost one of my part-time jobs last month, had $1200 in car repairs, owed $1200 in taxes. Then, yesterday, I found out that neither of the classes I was planning to teach for the summer went through, and I had a meeting about that with the supervisor; I was hoping to get at least one because that's my only summer income. So after that meeting, I was very depressed and down on myself and having suicidal thoughts, and I'd texted something like that to GJ, who called me when she got the text. So, talk ensued, and she was kind to me but still serious. We talked through the job loss a bit. I said that I would never do anything to end my life, and she said she knows that and she believes me. Even that is reassuring.
It was helpful when she said this: “You will go to class. You will
grade this weekend. This is what God has
set for you to do.” Just to remind myself of what I need to do. I did crash when I got home and spent three hours lying on the couch, but I was texting with M, she invited me over for the night when I told her about the negative thoughts, and that was an answer to prayer. And I still got some essays graded.
C called me this morning-- I had just seen her last night, so when I saw she was calling, I got a little worried...was I in trouble? Kinda, yeah, but she was nice about it-- we talked about my negative thoughts mostly. When two of your friends say "I'm concerned about you/this" in two days, makes you sit up and take notice. I liked that her tone was gentle and that she was asking me questions and WHY I do things, so I knew she cared and it wasn't just lecture. And then, at the end of the conversation, "I love you. Really." I know that because you called. ;) We had a nice, fun conversation last night, so that helped too.
Oh, this was a text from C the other day, after I told her I wished I could get a spanking so I could get over stuff and because I get mad at myself: "oh kiddo--- sometimes the weight of being disappointed with certain responses we have is much worse than a spanking- I do understand that. I love you- I won't stop loving you."
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Monday, December 16, 2013
I was thinking about Ana's definition of DD that she posted the other day:
A committed relationship in which one person guides, supports, and gives correction to another.
If we're talking about non-physical correction, than that looks a lot like my relationship with C. "Discipline," yes-- "punishment" or "spanking," no. C's pretty clearly in charge here-- she knows what's best for me, she cares about me. She's not afraid to tell me when I'm in the wrong. I also get a lot from her, too, because we text throughout the day and I'm not lonely. We have fun when we're together and even in texting. :) And I know if I really need to get something done that day, I can tell C (send her a list, even) and she'll check on me throughout the day if she can and ask if I'm getting things done. I do that at least once a week. Last week, I had a rough day and didn't get much cleaning done like I'd originally planned.
C: can you find one small area to clean?
So, I did that, and of course she asked me to do something else afterward. It's nice to be able to ask for help and get it.
I guess I was thinking about this because I've been working with the idea of submission a lot. I really have to work to get in the right mindset so that I'm not being mean to her or not taking her advice. Last weekend was a good example of that-- I was working on C's Christmas present Saturday night and praying for her-- that didn't help much, so then I wrote the email to try to feel better, and then finally Sunday wrote the really nice one. That worked. But, to be able to accept correction, I have to work hard to not get defensive and argumentative (let's just say I LOVE arguing).
Last night I said "we'll have to talk about this later because I'm too emotional right now and don't want to say something stupid or just react instead of thinking things through." We were talking about church and my lack of attendance Sunday mornings, and I got a bit of a lecture (HOW can tone carry over so clearly in text? She was definitely not happy with me). She said it makes her sad when I don't go...UGH. I started writing an email this morning, but just now said I didn't think I wanted to keep talking about it...because she will tell me I'm wrong, I'll feel like crap...so can we just not play through that cycle again? She's at work, so hasn't responded yet. We shall see...
A committed relationship in which one person guides, supports, and gives correction to another.
If we're talking about non-physical correction, than that looks a lot like my relationship with C. "Discipline," yes-- "punishment" or "spanking," no. C's pretty clearly in charge here-- she knows what's best for me, she cares about me. She's not afraid to tell me when I'm in the wrong. I also get a lot from her, too, because we text throughout the day and I'm not lonely. We have fun when we're together and even in texting. :) And I know if I really need to get something done that day, I can tell C (send her a list, even) and she'll check on me throughout the day if she can and ask if I'm getting things done. I do that at least once a week. Last week, I had a rough day and didn't get much cleaning done like I'd originally planned.
C: can you find one small area to clean?
So, I did that, and of course she asked me to do something else afterward. It's nice to be able to ask for help and get it.
I guess I was thinking about this because I've been working with the idea of submission a lot. I really have to work to get in the right mindset so that I'm not being mean to her or not taking her advice. Last weekend was a good example of that-- I was working on C's Christmas present Saturday night and praying for her-- that didn't help much, so then I wrote the email to try to feel better, and then finally Sunday wrote the really nice one. That worked. But, to be able to accept correction, I have to work hard to not get defensive and argumentative (let's just say I LOVE arguing).
Last night I said "we'll have to talk about this later because I'm too emotional right now and don't want to say something stupid or just react instead of thinking things through." We were talking about church and my lack of attendance Sunday mornings, and I got a bit of a lecture (HOW can tone carry over so clearly in text? She was definitely not happy with me). She said it makes her sad when I don't go...UGH. I started writing an email this morning, but just now said I didn't think I wanted to keep talking about it...because she will tell me I'm wrong, I'll feel like crap...so can we just not play through that cycle again? She's at work, so hasn't responded yet. We shall see...
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Maybe I sound a little obsessed with C....she's just a big part of my life right now...my "bestest friend" at the moment. We text back and forth all day, e-mail sometimes, and I see her twice a week and usually end up talking for at least a few minutes each time, sometimes longer. So yeah, she's important.
She's also pretty humble. And not. It's such a weird combination. She will absolutely stick to what she knows is right, no backing down. I was pretty frustrated and had told her that it didn't seem like she was hearing/understanding what I was saying, so we talked about that. She still wasn't getting it, but later was like "it's not like I just grab people passing by and bring them into our conversation!" and I actually had enough gumption to say "but you do!" She was about to protest "no," and say something else, but stopped. That was the point I'd been trying to make all along. "I don't see what you're seeing, but there must be some there. I'm sorry, I didn't meant to do that. Will you forgive me?" SUPER HUMBLE. I would never be able to do that. And later, she joked "when you see me doing that, you can kick me and be like 'see, I told you so!'"
She also said something along the lines of "are you saying that....(don't remember what it was, but it was something negative about herself)" and I was able to say "yes." Between those two, I felt much better when we were done.
It's VERY hard for me to talk. Once again, to get to this conversation, C had to say we were going to talk, even though I protested with a no.
C: we r going to talk about this sunday night dear lizzie...
L: Noooo we aren't
C: Yes we r
L: You said now or later and i picked now!
C: We r not finished and texting isn't cutting it
Hmmm...she is nicer than she sounds! I was having a hard time with the e-mail she'd written the night before (after I had written a bit more about what was upsetting me), and to me it felt like she was just saying "you're wrong, you're wrong." So I felt a bit wounded, and still felt that way Sun afternoon, so knew I had to do something so that our conversation would go well that night! I wrote her a nice long email, and every sentence started out "remember when" and ended with something I appreciated about her or liked about the memory. She really liked it. :)
Still, I'm afraid I wasn't very responsive when we talked on Sun, and I apologized for it, but C just said it will take some practice. Sun night was more difficult because I was talking about something about her that was frustrating for me, so that was very uncomfortable. I really wanted to hide my face but didn't, just rested my hand on my chin/cheek most of the time. I ended up sitting on the floor curled up next to the wall because I couldn't talk in the chair. Mostly, C asked me questions (which I tried to answer, but I do remember one time saying "I can't say I don't know, because I do, but I really can't answer...") and talked.
She said she makes suggestions... I forwarded her the text from Friday and was like "this is not a suggestion..."! (the "yes we are" part) We'll see what she says. I kinda feel like we might end up talking about this f2f. But then, I never know because it seems like she picks the oddest stuff. She's mentioned that before...about suggestions, and they are never off-track, just usually stuff I don't want to do or makes me uncomfortable. Sooo it's good for me but hard!
She's also pretty humble. And not. It's such a weird combination. She will absolutely stick to what she knows is right, no backing down. I was pretty frustrated and had told her that it didn't seem like she was hearing/understanding what I was saying, so we talked about that. She still wasn't getting it, but later was like "it's not like I just grab people passing by and bring them into our conversation!" and I actually had enough gumption to say "but you do!" She was about to protest "no," and say something else, but stopped. That was the point I'd been trying to make all along. "I don't see what you're seeing, but there must be some there. I'm sorry, I didn't meant to do that. Will you forgive me?" SUPER HUMBLE. I would never be able to do that. And later, she joked "when you see me doing that, you can kick me and be like 'see, I told you so!'"
She also said something along the lines of "are you saying that....(don't remember what it was, but it was something negative about herself)" and I was able to say "yes." Between those two, I felt much better when we were done.
It's VERY hard for me to talk. Once again, to get to this conversation, C had to say we were going to talk, even though I protested with a no.
C: we r going to talk about this sunday night dear lizzie...
L: Noooo we aren't
C: Yes we r
L: You said now or later and i picked now!
C: We r not finished and texting isn't cutting it
Hmmm...she is nicer than she sounds! I was having a hard time with the e-mail she'd written the night before (after I had written a bit more about what was upsetting me), and to me it felt like she was just saying "you're wrong, you're wrong." So I felt a bit wounded, and still felt that way Sun afternoon, so knew I had to do something so that our conversation would go well that night! I wrote her a nice long email, and every sentence started out "remember when" and ended with something I appreciated about her or liked about the memory. She really liked it. :)
Still, I'm afraid I wasn't very responsive when we talked on Sun, and I apologized for it, but C just said it will take some practice. Sun night was more difficult because I was talking about something about her that was frustrating for me, so that was very uncomfortable. I really wanted to hide my face but didn't, just rested my hand on my chin/cheek most of the time. I ended up sitting on the floor curled up next to the wall because I couldn't talk in the chair. Mostly, C asked me questions (which I tried to answer, but I do remember one time saying "I can't say I don't know, because I do, but I really can't answer...") and talked.
She said she makes suggestions... I forwarded her the text from Friday and was like "this is not a suggestion..."! (the "yes we are" part) We'll see what she says. I kinda feel like we might end up talking about this f2f. But then, I never know because it seems like she picks the oddest stuff. She's mentioned that before...about suggestions, and they are never off-track, just usually stuff I don't want to do or makes me uncomfortable. Sooo it's good for me but hard!
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Talked with C tonight... it wasn't too bad, but we had e-mailed back and forth yesterday...but yes, we did talk more about what I didn't want to, although C did kinda ask before we did.
Um, she used the S word...she was like "there are two reasons when I don't text you back... if I'm at work or if I want to spank you so I have to step back and wait a few minutes." I added "and when you're asleep," but I was glad I wasn't looking at her when she said "spank," and how I wanted to be like "well, why don't you?" She would be scary as a spanker!
Um, she used the S word...she was like "there are two reasons when I don't text you back... if I'm at work or if I want to spank you so I have to step back and wait a few minutes." I added "and when you're asleep," but I was glad I wasn't looking at her when she said "spank," and how I wanted to be like "well, why don't you?" She would be scary as a spanker!
Oh and I'm friend's with C's daughter, too-- a while back, she had told me about how she would talk back to her mom, her mom's response: "She
would be like “Your tone, Michelle!” and
then whip me with the belt and put soap in my mouth." I'm pretty sure I had nothing to say for the next few minutes as I pictured C with a belt...oh my. Yup, sometimes I can't get that one out of my mind, but she's super patient and she's never even gotten upset with me.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Hint... if you want to get your way, don't have friends who are more stubborn than you. Oh my word.
I didn't want to talk to C, so she said I could either tell her tonight or Sunday when we were planning to talk anyway. I of course chose now, but then we've been back and forth tonight, off and on, texting, and she hasn't been getting what I'm saying. Soo she said we could... wait, not could, WILL continue our conversation on Sunday, face-to-face.
I don't know if I'm just being stubborn. I don't like talking f2f about hard stuff because it is so uncomfortable! C had to drag it out of me tonight just through text, so if she thinks she's getting anything else on Sun, she's wrong. I already said no, we're not continuing on Sun (pretty bold for me!), but that didn't work. I think that not participating would be rude, and so would walking out before she has a chance to grab me afterward, and I think she would be hurt.
I know she's not (trying to) be mean and just wants me to get used to talking. But I don't want to talk.
Well, I know that even if I don't say much, we will have a conversation about this on Sunday. I know C well enough. Sometimes consistency is comforting.
I didn't want to talk to C, so she said I could either tell her tonight or Sunday when we were planning to talk anyway. I of course chose now, but then we've been back and forth tonight, off and on, texting, and she hasn't been getting what I'm saying. Soo she said we could... wait, not could, WILL continue our conversation on Sunday, face-to-face.
I don't know if I'm just being stubborn. I don't like talking f2f about hard stuff because it is so uncomfortable! C had to drag it out of me tonight just through text, so if she thinks she's getting anything else on Sun, she's wrong. I already said no, we're not continuing on Sun (pretty bold for me!), but that didn't work. I think that not participating would be rude, and so would walking out before she has a chance to grab me afterward, and I think she would be hurt.
I know she's not (trying to) be mean and just wants me to get used to talking. But I don't want to talk.
Well, I know that even if I don't say much, we will have a conversation about this on Sunday. I know C well enough. Sometimes consistency is comforting.
Friday, August 30, 2013
I don't even know what I'm feeling. Stressed, sometimes. Mostly just emotionally blocked, which I don't think is even a feeling. I'm not sure how to get over this. I feel like I need some sort of big emotional release, but not sure how to get it. Is crying enough? I could listen to my friend's funeral message.
I guess I don't have much to say. I wanted to journal so I could figure out what I was feeling and then release it, hopefully. Maybe everything I was feeling last night and at 4am this morning has gone? I don't think I pushed it back... I wasn't trying to.
Last night's conversations with C were HARD. Hmm yeah the panic attack and suicidal thoughts were probably an indication of that. If I had to choose I'd still say I'd rather be able to repress feelings for a while and have a 30 second panic attack than have to deal with them.. the former is much faster.
I guess I don't have much to say. I wanted to journal so I could figure out what I was feeling and then release it, hopefully. Maybe everything I was feeling last night and at 4am this morning has gone? I don't think I pushed it back... I wasn't trying to.
Last night's conversations with C were HARD. Hmm yeah the panic attack and suicidal thoughts were probably an indication of that. If I had to choose I'd still say I'd rather be able to repress feelings for a while and have a 30 second panic attack than have to deal with them.. the former is much faster.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Had to come write this so I can get back to work and maybe actually focus!
I'm used to getting my way with my friends, apparently, because when someone challenges me (AND actually gets their way), it's a shock.
Last night I texted C because I was annoyed... why is it that when I most need to talk, I clam up and am least likely to actually do so. It's so much harder if I'm feeling "tough," and almost impossible because I don't do it.
She wrote back a few times, asking what was wrong and encouraging me to tell her, and why it was good to not ignore things. Then, why don't we plan to talk after church on Wed.
I was like no, I don't want to
C: Yes, we shall talk.
Me: Please, no.
C: Ok, if you're not ready now, we'll talk later.
Me: If I tell you before Wed, then can we not talk?
C: No, you have to do it in real life... it's important.
Me: I can't... I'm not going to (ack! how did I really say that??)
C: when do you see your counselor next.
Me: Sep 11. how about if I email you what's going on beforehand and then we can talk about it? because I know I won't actually be able to tell you...
C: that's fine friend...
So we did compromise, but not only did I NOT get my way, but C won. By the end of the conversation, I would've been happy to just text her what was going on like she'd initially asked, but NOPE, it wasn't an option anymore.
The other day, when she'd told me to take my melatonin, the conversation went like this:
I'm used to getting my way with my friends, apparently, because when someone challenges me (AND actually gets their way), it's a shock.
Last night I texted C because I was annoyed... why is it that when I most need to talk, I clam up and am least likely to actually do so. It's so much harder if I'm feeling "tough," and almost impossible because I don't do it.
She wrote back a few times, asking what was wrong and encouraging me to tell her, and why it was good to not ignore things. Then, why don't we plan to talk after church on Wed.
I was like no, I don't want to
C: Yes, we shall talk.
Me: Please, no.
C: Ok, if you're not ready now, we'll talk later.
Me: If I tell you before Wed, then can we not talk?
C: No, you have to do it in real life... it's important.
Me: I can't... I'm not going to (ack! how did I really say that??)
C: when do you see your counselor next.
Me: Sep 11. how about if I email you what's going on beforehand and then we can talk about it? because I know I won't actually be able to tell you...
C: that's fine friend...
So we did compromise, but not only did I NOT get my way, but C won. By the end of the conversation, I would've been happy to just text her what was going on like she'd initially asked, but NOPE, it wasn't an option anymore.
The other day, when she'd told me to take my melatonin, the conversation went like this:
Me: What’s that?
C: All
right smarty pants!! Get with the
program!!
Me: Just depends which program that is, I
guess.
C: The
program is… It’s melatonin time! Ready,
set, GO!!
No
questions
No
back talk
No
trash talk
….
That’s the PROGRAM!
Did
u know I have a STRONG SIDE??
Now I'm mostly thankful for her strong side... guess I didn't realize just how strong it was! She's the first person in a long time who hasn't backed down to me or let me talk her out of it. Doesn't mean I'm looking forward to the conversation on Wed any more, though.
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