Stress today.  I drank lots of caffeine, mostly sweet tea, but even a cup of coffee.  I figured if I was going to be jumpy in my head, I might as well feel that way too.  I also gave myself quite a few spankings.  Not ideal, and I'd rather I had someone to do it for me, but it gets some of the tension out.  I think I'll be a bit sore tomorrow.

Meeting tomorrow.  I've been thinking about it all day and nervous.  Actually, I have two meetings.  The first is the one I'm most worried about because I don't know anyone and we'll have a box lunch afterward, so we'll have to sit around and chat.  Hopefully my social anxiety won't be too bad.  I keep reminding myself that talking to people in my field usually isn't too bad.  But, as I'm new, I might well be a "target" of conversation.

Didn't go to church tonight... decided it was too much work.  Yes, it's work for me to leave the house.  On Sunday I ended up leaving partway through the service, going downstairs, and sitting down there.  I didn't have a panic attack or anything, but I couldn't listen and breathe at the same time and was getting tired of all the attention required to do both, so gave up.  It was easier to just sit in the half-dark, arms around my knees, and not think about all the people in the room.

I'm trying trying trying to not get frustrated with S.  I understand her need to withdraw-- I do it too, did it today-- and go into hiding.  I just don't know why it's taking sooo long.  Even when I withdraw, I still want to hear from people, for them to contact me, and I'll at least return their concern, especially in a "safe" form of communication like e-mails or texts.  Phone calls, probably not.  But she doesn't, and I don't understand that.  Didn't hear from her at all yesterday, but today I at least got a "good morning to you" and she answered one of my questions with two words.  That's how I know when she's not doing so great... when she's not her chatty self.  When she doesn't answer my questions.  When she doesn't want to text chat.  We haven't done that in almost two months.  We haven't phoned, either, since I saw her six weeks ago.  Actually, it's kind of amazing that I've lasted this long since I never have before.  Good thing I love her.  :)  But I do miss her consistency and concern for me.  I've been trying to get her to see that she needs to make changes, and she's responded to that a bit, but doesn't make any long-term changes and won't commit to anything.  I can't push her because I don't feel comfortable and I don't know how bossy and up-front I can be... and still be respectful.  I've told her to do things a few times before, but playfully, and she responded to that.  Getting someone who's 30 years older than you to do something is tricky!  I want her to talk about what's bothering her (especially since I know what it was and was there), but I can't force her to do that either-- especially when she won't respond to texts or calls.

At least she's just as stubborn as I.  Maybe she's just giving me a taste of my own medicine.  ;)