I went into hiding last weekend.. didn't send out many texts, didn't do a whole lot other than work.

I've been doing well-- a few trips: camping, visiting relatives a few states away.  I was fine all week, until Thursday night, when I could feel the depression coming.  It was scary, it was strong, and my breathing was erratic.  I took control: tried to read a few Bible verses, but couldn't focus, so laid on the floor to breathe.  The controlled breathing that my counselor suggested, with a Bible verse, got me out of it.  I was exhausted afterward.

So yeah, have been struggling the past few weeks.  I write when I'm doing well.

Right now I feel like I'm a mess and have gotten myself in really deep.  I've totally screwed up my spending, have missed a few classes, my house is still a mess (although did spend twenty minutes on it today).

Met with H last week...  her assignment was to think about this question before I make decisions: how will it affect those in circles around me?  (family, friends, church, job, etc).  Even on Sunday, the pastor was talking about talking to ourselves-- instead of letting self take over, to do what we want, we need to talk to ourselves.  Even the Psalmist did it: why are you downcast, my soul?   I can do that-- I'm getting better-- but moving from the talking to the doing is the hard part!  I did it on Sunday-- talked myself into meeting my friend and going to church, even though I was positive on Saturday that I wouldn't.  And on Sunday, too, even though it was the right thing to do.

Then, in conversations I've had with H through text recently, she's been emphasizing how I need to go to Christ.  I get it, I can do it sometimes, but I don't always seem to have the emotional connection that makes that fulfilling.  I'd rather talk to friends.  I told H that I had lots to say next time we talk, lots of ideas running through my head.  :)

Today was good.  Taught, walked 5 miles, met a friend for part of the walk, got my online grading done, did some cleaning up.  Productive, and I like those days.