I don't even know what I'm feeling.  Stressed, sometimes.  Mostly just emotionally blocked, which I don't think is even a feeling.  I'm not sure how to get over this.  I feel like I need some sort of big emotional release, but not sure how to get it.  Is crying enough?  I could listen to my friend's funeral message.

I guess I don't have much to say.  I wanted to journal so I could figure out what I was feeling and then release it, hopefully.  Maybe everything I was feeling last night and at 4am this morning has gone?  I don't think I pushed it back... I wasn't trying to.

Last night's conversations with C were HARD.  Hmm yeah the panic attack and suicidal thoughts were probably an indication of that.  If I had to choose I'd still say I'd rather be able to repress feelings for a while and have a 30 second panic attack than have to deal with them..  the former is much faster.

Had to come write this so I can get back to work and maybe actually focus!

I'm used to getting my way with my friends, apparently, because when someone challenges me (AND actually gets their way), it's a shock. 

Last night I texted C because I was annoyed... why is it that when I most need to talk, I clam up and am least likely to actually do so.  It's so much harder if I'm feeling "tough," and almost impossible because I don't do it. 

She wrote back a few times, asking what was wrong and encouraging me to tell her, and why it was good to not ignore things.  Then, why don't we plan to talk after church on Wed. 

I was like no, I don't want to
C: Yes, we shall talk. 
Me: Please, no.  
C: Ok, if you're not ready now, we'll talk later. 
Me: If I tell you before Wed, then can we not talk?
C: No, you have to do it in real life... it's important.
Me: I can't... I'm not going to (ack!  how did I really say that??)
C: when do you see your counselor next.
Me:  Sep 11.  how about if I email you what's going on beforehand and then we can talk about it?  because I know I won't actually be able to tell you...
C: that's fine friend...

So we did compromise, but not only did I NOT get my way, but C won.  By the end of the conversation, I would've been happy to just text her what was going on like she'd initially asked, but NOPE, it wasn't an option anymore.

The other day, when she'd told me to take my melatonin, the conversation went like this:

Me: What’s that?

C: All right smarty pants!!  Get with the program!!

Me: Just depends which program that is, I guess.

C: The program is… It’s melatonin time!  Ready, set, GO!!

No questions

No back talk

No trash talk

…. That’s the PROGRAM!

Did u know I have a STRONG SIDE??

Now I'm mostly thankful for her strong side... guess I didn't realize just how strong it was!  She's the first person in a long time who hasn't backed down to me or let me talk her out of it.  Doesn't mean I'm looking forward to the conversation on Wed any more, though.

It's a deliciously cool morning, something like 60 degrees, and I can feel it indoors.  Yum.

Last week I had a bit of a breakdown... overwhelmed by everything I've NOT been doing.  I'm a supremely good procrastinator, you see.  I was feeling rather depressed and lacking motivation, so I wasn't getting anything done, and everything was piling up around me and making things worse.  So, I asked C if we could talk on Sunday, and she responded immediately with asking when.

We've become really good friends this year.  We text often-- in the morning, almost always, throughout the day sometimes, and ALWAYS at night.  It's so nice to have someone to talk to.  She's very nice to me, and tells me she likes me, and likes talking to me, and spending time with me.  No one has ever told me that before-- or at least in a way where they also acted like it.  It makes my life so much better.  At the same time I also struggle a bit because it gets to the negative part of me, and I'm thinking "there's no way she can like me!"  So I have more negative thoughts as a result.  But C is very patient with me and takes time to address my insecurities, even when I ask things like “why do you like me?”

But the talk on Sunday was SO good.  I was very nervous beforehand, and we had a little small chat as we got settled, about two minutes, but I was able to transition into my issues.  C had asked beforehand: what's on your mind? and I'd said I needed to get unstuck and wanted help creating a plan because it was too overwhelming to do on my own.  After a bit, I relaxed, reminding myself: “look, there’s C.  She likes you.  You like her.  Ya’ll talk all the time.  She loves you and wants to help you.”  She didn’t take charge of the conversation, but she was guiding it along and sometimes even suggested I do things: making a list (“did you write that down?”  of course I had…).

When we got to talking about me going to the dentist and mentioned phone calls, I said “ugh but I hate making phone calls,” and C briskly replied “well, you’re going to anyway” and I probably smiled, or at least wanted to.  I love the way she was so direct, and I haven’t seen much of that from her before because, well, she’s sweet.  But I KNOW she’s serious about all the serious stuff, and I like that she can be tough.  I think I’ll need that!  Somewhere toward the beginning, C asked if, the other day, when I told her what I was going to do, if that helped, and would I like to keep doing that.  UM, ABSOLUTELY!  That’s probably the most helpful for me, to have some accountability.  So, every day, I’ll tell her my plan and we’ll talk about that at the end of the night—what I accomplished.  My first day was amazing and I got A LOT done; yesterday I was depressed, but still kept on top of things and was successful.

C asked “when you’re depressed, should that change things?  Change your goals for the day?”  I paused before answering, mostly because I didn’t want to.  “No.”  “How do you know all the right answers?”  “I’ve been hanging out with H.”  J

Once we’d covered the four things I’d been procrastinating with, we’d ventured into other (less serious) territory, and C said “is there anything else you wanted to talk about today?”  Let me just say that her timing is impeccable; she asked the perfect questions at the perfect times.  Because yes, there was, but I wasn’t going to bring it up.  We’d already covered enough, and I didn’t want to load anything else on her.

Two minutes after we’d parted, C sent me a text: I like talking to you.  Me: Even like that??  Her: Why not?  That’s just part of real life and those are the kinds of things that matter.

Another text, later: I like the way your mind works and that you will tell me what you’re thinking…. And nooo I don’t hate you after “all that!”  I actually love you more….

Yesterday when hiking I got caught in a storm.  I could feel and smell it coming and thought about going back to the car for my umbrella, but didn't want to backtrack.  It started raining lightly, then harder, and soon I was wiping rain out of my eyes.  I wondered why the raindrops were hurting, looked on the ground, and saw hail, larger than pea-sized.  I kept laughing, randomly...what else was there to do?  I knew I'd be back to my car in ten minutes and could change.  I had to wring out my clothes when I'd finished!  But it felt so amazingly good and was energizing to me.

Been depressed on and off.  I was Sunday morning, and GJ texted me right before the service to say she missed me.  When I told her what was going on, she asked if I wanted to talk, and I said maybe companionship would be nice, so she invited me over that afternoon.  She'll be off on a trip for the next 10 days, and I'll miss her.  Even if she does tease me-- but, I give it right back.  :)

Let's see, what's been going on.  I'm doing okay, but it does feel very fragile and I feel stressed sometimes.  I'm trying to be very careful about what I do and have decided that church twice on Sundays before a long day on Mondays is too much.  I need to be able to go to work.  Next time, I'll know not to schedule a workday where I'm gone/working 14 hours for Mondays.

I did exercise five days last week, which included 14 miles of hiking.  Met H for lunch.  Got ahead with lesson plans and caught up with other grading work.  Made taquitos yesterday and put some in the freezer, and I still want to make a batch of granola to go with the yogurt in the fridge.  That reminds me-- I put a load of clothes in the dryer yesterday and never got back to them.  No grading this weekend, but I get essays tomorrow.

Have made a good menu plan for the next two weeks and trying to get back into whole foods again.  I haven't seen the health increase that most people claim, which is fine, but I'm sure it makes me feel better, and H did mention a good diet the other day.

I'm looking at buying a bread maker!  I have $65 in Amazon cash, so that could pay for much of it.  Then, when I have foods like hamburgers, pitas, pizza, I can know they're whole-grain and exactly what goes into them.  Maybe tortillas, too... I can make the dough on my own, but I don't like kneading it.  If I had a breadmaker, that would make what I eat so much better because that's the last hang-on from my old diet.  I've tried making breads on my own, but anything with yeast it has never risen for me.

Even non-yeasty things don't work well (other than scones-- I can make those!)... on Friday I made breadsticks which turned out fine, but I dumped the tray as I was putting them in the oven, and the very soft dough made them impossible to re-shape.  Yesterday I made an almond cake which tasted fine, but turned out too dense, buttery, and not exactly cake-like.  Pretty much nothing I bake works well, so I'm hoping a bread maker will improve this!

Can you tell I've been reading food blogs lately?  :)  That's the excitement in my life right now.

Sunday and Monday were rough and involved lots of crying, feeling weak, and giving up.  Okay, I did go to church on Sunday even though I didn't want to.  All services.  SS was stressful even though I was sitting with GJ... I had to focus on breathing.  I made myself go a bit early for evening service because my seat-mate was celebrating her 80th bday, but I just went in to deliver her card and give her a hug.

I crashed Sunday afternoon because I was hungry, Sunday evening after I got home from church.  I was texting C and we were talking about going in to work on Mon.  She was being very encouraging and even texted me Mon morning with some encouraging words and Bible verses.  I fell asleep around 11pm Sun night, which was good for me.  But then I woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep and spent two hours praying and reading my Bible and crying and struggling with myself and trying to get back to sleep... finally at 5am, I gave in and canceled my classes... and fell asleep 10 mins later.  Failure.

Today's better.  I got my work done (early, since I worked on it yesterday) and made some soup to share with my church neighbor and now need to clean up.  This anxiety is really getting to me.  I'm tired of living by myself and having to do everything by myself; I wish I could go live with someone else, if only for a few weeks until some of the stress goes away.  I also really need some hugs and physical contact because that would help as well... but good luck with either of those.

My life isn't even that bad, so I need to stop complaining and suck it up and get on with it.   Although the "I'm so sorry" from S yesterday was very nice.  :)  And E was great to help me break out of the mood Mon morning... at one point, when I'd texted her and said "I suck," she wrote back with an "oh, crap" which made me laugh.

Church tonight was great.  I helped with the kids during prayer time and then joined everyone else.  Afterward, there were six people I could've talked with.  I have SIX friends at church!  Well, even seven.  Except E is moving soon-- but she was there tonight, and I was so happy to see her because it had been two months and I actually felt happy, like a glow, and I didn't stop smiling for a while.

Spent at least twenty minutes talking with C...she's soo sweet and has great amazing tips for anxiety.  She knows the Bible so well and several times mentioned various Psalms.  When we were talking about anxiety or struggling before work, she told me she thinks "I'll do this for you," for God.  And, she mentioned looking back to my past for victories-- I've done it before and can do it again type thing.  It's only recently that I've even had victories, so that thought is new for me.  She said she wants to do a specific 5+ mile hike with me, and no one's ever said that before!  Plus, it's not the easiest hike.  Good thing she's fit, otherwise I'd worry.  I like people who like challenges.

I didn't even get to talk to GJ or H tonight.

More socializing tomorrow.  And then work, BUT I got a whole set of essays graded today, so I'm on top of things!  I could even go hiking on Friday!!