Let's see, what's been going on.  I'm doing okay, but it does feel very fragile and I feel stressed sometimes.  I'm trying to be very careful about what I do and have decided that church twice on Sundays before a long day on Mondays is too much.  I need to be able to go to work.  Next time, I'll know not to schedule a workday where I'm gone/working 14 hours for Mondays.

I did exercise five days last week, which included 14 miles of hiking.  Met H for lunch.  Got ahead with lesson plans and caught up with other grading work.  Made taquitos yesterday and put some in the freezer, and I still want to make a batch of granola to go with the yogurt in the fridge.  That reminds me-- I put a load of clothes in the dryer yesterday and never got back to them.  No grading this weekend, but I get essays tomorrow.

Have made a good menu plan for the next two weeks and trying to get back into whole foods again.  I haven't seen the health increase that most people claim, which is fine, but I'm sure it makes me feel better, and H did mention a good diet the other day.

I'm looking at buying a bread maker!  I have $65 in Amazon cash, so that could pay for much of it.  Then, when I have foods like hamburgers, pitas, pizza, I can know they're whole-grain and exactly what goes into them.  Maybe tortillas, too... I can make the dough on my own, but I don't like kneading it.  If I had a breadmaker, that would make what I eat so much better because that's the last hang-on from my old diet.  I've tried making breads on my own, but anything with yeast it has never risen for me.

Even non-yeasty things don't work well (other than scones-- I can make those!)... on Friday I made breadsticks which turned out fine, but I dumped the tray as I was putting them in the oven, and the very soft dough made them impossible to re-shape.  Yesterday I made an almond cake which tasted fine, but turned out too dense, buttery, and not exactly cake-like.  Pretty much nothing I bake works well, so I'm hoping a bread maker will improve this!

Can you tell I've been reading food blogs lately?  :)  That's the excitement in my life right now.

Sunday and Monday were rough and involved lots of crying, feeling weak, and giving up.  Okay, I did go to church on Sunday even though I didn't want to.  All services.  SS was stressful even though I was sitting with GJ... I had to focus on breathing.  I made myself go a bit early for evening service because my seat-mate was celebrating her 80th bday, but I just went in to deliver her card and give her a hug.

I crashed Sunday afternoon because I was hungry, Sunday evening after I got home from church.  I was texting C and we were talking about going in to work on Mon.  She was being very encouraging and even texted me Mon morning with some encouraging words and Bible verses.  I fell asleep around 11pm Sun night, which was good for me.  But then I woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep and spent two hours praying and reading my Bible and crying and struggling with myself and trying to get back to sleep... finally at 5am, I gave in and canceled my classes... and fell asleep 10 mins later.  Failure.

Today's better.  I got my work done (early, since I worked on it yesterday) and made some soup to share with my church neighbor and now need to clean up.  This anxiety is really getting to me.  I'm tired of living by myself and having to do everything by myself; I wish I could go live with someone else, if only for a few weeks until some of the stress goes away.  I also really need some hugs and physical contact because that would help as well... but good luck with either of those.

My life isn't even that bad, so I need to stop complaining and suck it up and get on with it.   Although the "I'm so sorry" from S yesterday was very nice.  :)  And E was great to help me break out of the mood Mon morning... at one point, when I'd texted her and said "I suck," she wrote back with an "oh, crap" which made me laugh.

Church tonight was great.  I helped with the kids during prayer time and then joined everyone else.  Afterward, there were six people I could've talked with.  I have SIX friends at church!  Well, even seven.  Except E is moving soon-- but she was there tonight, and I was so happy to see her because it had been two months and I actually felt happy, like a glow, and I didn't stop smiling for a while.

Spent at least twenty minutes talking with C...she's soo sweet and has great amazing tips for anxiety.  She knows the Bible so well and several times mentioned various Psalms.  When we were talking about anxiety or struggling before work, she told me she thinks "I'll do this for you," for God.  And, she mentioned looking back to my past for victories-- I've done it before and can do it again type thing.  It's only recently that I've even had victories, so that thought is new for me.  She said she wants to do a specific 5+ mile hike with me, and no one's ever said that before!  Plus, it's not the easiest hike.  Good thing she's fit, otherwise I'd worry.  I like people who like challenges.

I didn't even get to talk to GJ or H tonight.

More socializing tomorrow.  And then work, BUT I got a whole set of essays graded today, so I'm on top of things!  I could even go hiking on Friday!!

Have to be up in 7.5 hours... that's okay, I don't need to sleep.  Got through Monday on 6 hrs, and I had to teach til 9pm.  Tomorrow I only need to be social until 8:30.  :)

GJ said I could come over some Wednesday afternoon after I've finished tutoring.  She only lives a block or two from where I work, so I was hinting around a bit at that to see if maybe she would invite me.  But tried to not make it too obvious. 

'Night... long day tomorrow.  Long week ahead, really... won't have much of a break for the next two weeks.

I'm tired, but also not because I'm in a good mood.  Was eating some of the bread that C gave me yesterday while text chatting with her.  Just sent a message to GJ and got an email from H, so yay.

Haven't heard from S since yesterday morning.  I hope she's okay... she's a lot like me in that she tends to hide when she's depressed or things aren't going well.  Sigh.

Today was good even though it involved a lot of work.  I had a hard time focusing this afternoon, so E and I commiserated a bit.  Wow, I've talked with four church friends today.  Going to prayer meeting Wednesday nights has been good because I've gotten to know people better.  We get into small groups to pray and share prayer concerns, and people tend to be a little more open-- plus, it's just the women.  C was just really sweet to me in her text and said lovely things.  She seems to think I'm sweet.  :D

My friends at church are great.  GJ caught me after Sunday School and said she and her husband would sit with me... but I always sit with an older lady, so I said she didn't have to.  My older friend is going to be 80 next week!  and her children are having a little get-together for her before evening church.  Her husband died a year ago, so I'm glad we can sit together.

The morning service was rough... it took me about ten minutes into the sermon to breathe normally and not hold my breath.  Well, if you fall off the horse, get back up right away, so I went back tonight.  This morning I DIDN'T want to go, but I did tonight.  This morning, C gave me a CD with some songs on it that have encouraged her, and then we had a great text convo tonight about going to Christ and practicing faith.  It's encouraging to me, and she once told me that my words encourage her.

I've had a pretty good week, overall.  Had absolutely no motivation on Saturday, but I did get a few things done, and I don't think I was depressed.

BOO, tomorrow's Monday, my least-favorite day.  I'll work 10-12 hours.  Actually, I'm not looking forward to the next 1.5-2 weeks because it will be solid work... if I'm not teaching, then prep, and I get essays to grade on ... Wednesday, Friday, Monday, and Monday.  Yes, that's 90+ essays and then another 60+ paragraphs to grade... how I love having 180 students.  Or 160.  After 150, it's just a lot and I lose count.

I should've clarified with H this past week when she said I was doing well.  Okay, I'm doing well with not being as depressed, but I wasn't doing well with going to Christ and obeying God's word.  Tonight Pastor was talking about walking in obedience and getting power from it and growing from it, which was encouraging to me and a reminder to keep going.  C texted me a quote from Jerry Bridges: "PRACTICE the presence of Christ."

I can't wait until it's warm enough to go camping again (I went 8 times last year, to 7 different campgrounds).  I really want to try a backpacking trip this year, too... last year I only had a chance to do a short overnight one that had a pit toilet and water, so it wasn't very rustic at all.  I enjoy being out in the woods.  When GJ asked me what helped with my depression the other day, I said all the basic stuff, but I forgot hiking.  :)  It usually only takes about 20 minutes to lift my mood, and I'm sure that's one of the reasons why last year was so much better.  I visited the state parks 81 times (that's one of the places I hike) and hiked 732 miles.  I walked or hiked 150 days last year (okay, two week of that were when I was visiting a pedestrian society), which means that my average hike was 4.9 miles.  Yikes!  I know I had quite a few shorter ones.

I've walked a whole 10.25 miles so far this YEAR.  Yeah, a bit behind, but I'm not planning to go for high mileage like last year; I just thinking keeping track of everything is fun.

Maybe we'll have an early spring like last year and I can go camping in March again.  Mar 22nd last year I went hiking in the rain.... all day.  I was so glad to get into my car and get warm.  :)  I can remember all of these trips so clearly.  Sometimes I get various trails at various state parks mixed up-- I went to 10 different parks last year.

I should get out my guide and plan some fun new trips.  :)

Oh, FIVE great days in a row!