It's been a struggle lately.  I know I shouldn't have to rely on H, and I hate that I do.  I don't know what to do to get myself up and going... I won't do more than is absolutely necessary.  I can't tell her that I'm struggling.  She didn't say anything about me not being at church yesterday, not a dickey bird, so I guess we'll have that talk next time we're together.  I'm assuming she noticed-- she's not clueless.  I also didn't text her for four days, which is very unusual for me.  I guess our next meeting might not be very fun.  I just wish it could be this week and not next week.

I'm so behind on everything I'm supposed to be doing.  I haven't been on my sleeping schedule at all.  I'm about three days behind with my Bible reading.  And, I've been letting my feelings dictate what I do instead of what is the right thing to do.  I've been kind of ignoring the fact that I'm depressed... because the plans we made before don't work with my new depression.  I talked with S and E about it a bit today, but neither of them seemed too concerned about it.  I want someone to come up and give me a lecture and say that I need to get on track, now!  And then stick around to make sure I get it done.  I decided when chatting with E that one thing I could do that would be manageable would be to catch up on Bible reading, but did I do that?  No.

S and I have been having conversations about my tendency to challenge my friends.  One thing I realized is that I only do it if someone has a dominant personality.  :D  Perhaps perhaps that has something to do with my submissive tendencies.  She asked if it was a power thing-- a little, at least.  I'm not sure if I'm completely submissive... I could probably switch.  I do like the thought of keeping someone else accountable-- I think that would be a fun relationship, and I could do something there.  Today, S suggested I start with showing respect to my friends.  I don't know I'm completely sure what that might look like, but I can try.  Along with everything else I'm supposed to be doing.  Yes, overwhelmed.  And I'm not even doing anything yet.

I'm stressed about my new schedule.  Mondays and Wednesdays will both be long... I'll be working for 12 hours on Mondays and gone for 14 on Weds.  I don't think I can do that.  Just the thought of standing in front of my classes is freaking me out more than usual.  They're larger classes than I've had for a year, 23-25 students in each.  The thought of the full rooms and full desks is nauseating, and I can barely stand to picture it.

I just e-mailed my counselor to see if she has a spot open on Wednesday.  That's one thing I can do to help myself.

Depression must be a shapeshifter.  Just when I think I know what it is, the signs, and can avoid it, it comes in a new form.  Thursday and Friday I was thinking "no, I can't be depressed, my mood is great!"  Just because I have no motivation... just because I don't want to go anywhere... okay, yes, that's depression now, even with the good mood. 

Well, I didn't have anything planned this weekend, and no class tomorrow, so I've been pretty quiet.  Just texting S... we did have a nice conversation yesterday.  At one point, I said "will you give me something to do so I can get off the couch?"  "Happy to: look for 5 tasks you've been avoiding, and do them.  Then, send photos to me  :-)"  I was like oh shit, FIVE?  Took me an hour and a half to do all five, but I got dishes done, a bunch of stuff put away, dinner made.  I did the four easiest things first, and then told S I didn't have anything but big stuff left, so she said I could do 15 minutes of a big task and eat dinner afterward (because I was hungry).  The tasks made me feel so much better, though, and my mood was much improved after that.  Plus, it was a little fun to have someone tell me to do.

I'm excited because I left Erica Scott a comment on her blog, and she wrote back:

Liz -- thank you so much. That was a lovely present today. ♥

I even got a little heart.  :)

This seems like a good weekend to hunker down and not go anywhere.  I'm not depressed, so I don't know why I want to.  Maybe I just want H to take notice?  To know that I do need her.  She'll be busy all next week with a retreat, and I didn't even see her at church on Wed.  I wasn't planning to go, but then, in the mail, I got a nice note from one of my new friends, and that reminded me that I missed everyone (since I hadn't seen them for a month).

My counselor and I spent most of hour session talking about how I've been challenging my friends lately.  She said there's a continuum with "passive" on one end, "aggressive" on the other, and "assertive" in between.  I've jumped from passive to aggressive when I need to be somewhere in the middle.  She said I need to practice and recommended a book to read.  I used to never challenge anyone (one of my college professors once used the word "mouse" about me as an undergrad), but now I'll go around challenging friends and even strangers. 

After a lot of thought on this, I've figured out mostly why I challenge my friends: when I'm upset with them.  I've had two friends in the past few months who were very late (20+ minutes), and I had nothing to do but hang around and wait for them and play on my dumb phone.  That made me very annoyed, and I acted out.  Still not sure what happened with my cousin and why I challenged her... the only thing I can think about was last time I was visiting, she told me she wouldn't have let me do something.  Right, like she can tell me what to do.  I just need to learn the difference between when that is true or not and when I need to be respectful of others.

Feeling better today, I think.  Got out of the house, took a 2-mile walk, did a bit of thrift store shopping.

Asked my two friends about getting together anyway-- figured it was better to ask than not.  One said yes, one said maybe tomorrow.  I'll take that.  :)

I've been on break for the past three weeks... nice break, some good things, some great things, some stressful things.  I'm also stressed about going back to my regular life.  Break (staying at my parents' house) is so stress-free and responsibility-free that it makes anything else rather scary.  I don't really have anyone to talk to this about, either.

This week, first.  A trip to PA to visit relatives.  Where I got in a bit of trouble for snooping.  My cousin was really upset with me... that feeling SUCKS, especially because I love her and look up to her.  I actually didn't know how upset until I apologized, and then she wrote me an e-mail and really let me have it.  She said she hoped she didn't sound too harsh-- nope, it wasn't anything I hadn't already told myself, but it still made me cry a lot.  I don't know if I'm welcome to stay with her again, but she did say she considers this over now and the air cleared.  I like that she's honest and we can talk through it a bit.

My grandpa's been having health issues and will start chemo next week.  Glad I got to see him on my trip.

My friend E from church is moving... so no more talks.  Okay, she's just moving an hour away, but I won't see her at church every week, we won't be able to meet to walk as we'd done lately.  I'd really been relying on her lately because we could talk about the hard stuff-- and she would always text me back.  Whoops, has me crying again.  The day before I left for Christmas break, I still hadn't raked my yard, and E came over with her two kids to help me; I even said no, don't come, you shouldn't reward my procrastination, but she came anyway.  There's a great friend.  I'm worried about her when she leaves, too, because of her attachment issues... she told me she doesn't have any friends.  Other than me now, I think.

I've had some sort of virus all week, so I've basically sat on the couch and watched tv and worked and haven't felt well.  Hasn't been much fun and has led to some down times, but I've worked through them.

Was supposed to get together with two friends this week but haven't heard back from either, so that's sad because I was really looking forward to it.  I'd already contacted them several times and they both said this week... I was afraid to ask them again because I didn't want to pester them.  Maybe they don't really like me.  I've had all sorts of friendship issues lately-- I don't know what's wrong with me, but I keep pushing, so I'm not surprised when it doesn't work out.  I was even pushing H the other day.

I'm so nervous to be back to my real schedule-- and everything that comes with that-- when I get back to work.  Figured I'd come here and try to get out some of that anxiety.  I'm worried because I won't have anyone to talk to: H was pretty clear when laying down guidelines for our work together, but we'd gotten off-track, and she reminded me of them again, that I'm not to talk about "official" stuff except when we're together.  I'd gotten used to relying on her.  She said I could talk to other friends, but I don't have any on which I can count: they're all busy with jobs, work, etc.  H was the only one who would text me back.  I'm not even sure when we'll get together because the week/weekend I get back is surrounded by a church event, so she'll be gone.

I've thought several times that I want to go back to what's easy... to not being on a schedule, going to church, talking to people... in some ways it's easier, in some it's not.  On Sunday, the pastor was talking about moving forward and used this verse from Philippians 3: Only let us hold true to what we have attained. I was reminded that I HAVE attained something, that I'm better off than where I was in August, and I need to not just give it up and get back into it.

Right?  Of course right.

I really haven't been journaling... or e-mailing anyone.  Not much talking lately.  I did get together with E the past two weeks, and that's nice because we can just spill and say whatever we want... in fact, last week she apologized for complaining so much.  I almost prefer talking about serious and negative stuff to anything else.  I went to a party this past weekend, but the only topics I could think of that I even wanted to talk about were serious.  I don't like those light-hearted conversations very much.

H has been pushing me... a lot.  I've grown so much since summer.  I still have rough days, but they're shorter, I can get out of them more easily, and I can still get things done during them.  Lately we've been talking about thoughts... and not letting myself be ruled by my emotions.  When we met last week, she gave me a some homework about what to do for the negative thoughts and how to counter them.  Lots of work-- it might not seem like it, but to someone like me with pretty much consistent thoughts, and sometimes overlapping ones, it's overwhelming at times.

I even got a lecture from her on Tuesday.  It was through text so it probably wasn't as bad as it could've been, but it sure wasn't pleasant to read, and I cried.  Sure was effective, though!  I wrote her an e-mail yesterday to talk about it a bit... I've been feeling insecure since then (since this summer, actually, with S) because whenever I've gotten a lecture that bad, it means the person on the other end was not happy with me.  The good thing about H is that she doesn't hold grudges and forgets easily... now I just have to convince myself of that.