It's been a struggle lately.  I know I shouldn't have to rely on H, and I hate that I do.  I don't know what to do to get myself up and going... I won't do more than is absolutely necessary.  I can't tell her that I'm struggling.  She didn't say anything about me not being at church yesterday, not a dickey bird, so I guess we'll have that talk next time we're together.  I'm assuming she noticed-- she's not clueless.  I also didn't text her for four days, which is very unusual for me.  I guess our next meeting might not be very fun.  I just wish it could be this week and not next week.

I'm so behind on everything I'm supposed to be doing.  I haven't been on my sleeping schedule at all.  I'm about three days behind with my Bible reading.  And, I've been letting my feelings dictate what I do instead of what is the right thing to do.  I've been kind of ignoring the fact that I'm depressed... because the plans we made before don't work with my new depression.  I talked with S and E about it a bit today, but neither of them seemed too concerned about it.  I want someone to come up and give me a lecture and say that I need to get on track, now!  And then stick around to make sure I get it done.  I decided when chatting with E that one thing I could do that would be manageable would be to catch up on Bible reading, but did I do that?  No.

S and I have been having conversations about my tendency to challenge my friends.  One thing I realized is that I only do it if someone has a dominant personality.  :D  Perhaps perhaps that has something to do with my submissive tendencies.  She asked if it was a power thing-- a little, at least.  I'm not sure if I'm completely submissive... I could probably switch.  I do like the thought of keeping someone else accountable-- I think that would be a fun relationship, and I could do something there.  Today, S suggested I start with showing respect to my friends.  I don't know I'm completely sure what that might look like, but I can try.  Along with everything else I'm supposed to be doing.  Yes, overwhelmed.  And I'm not even doing anything yet.

I'm stressed about my new schedule.  Mondays and Wednesdays will both be long... I'll be working for 12 hours on Mondays and gone for 14 on Weds.  I don't think I can do that.  Just the thought of standing in front of my classes is freaking me out more than usual.  They're larger classes than I've had for a year, 23-25 students in each.  The thought of the full rooms and full desks is nauseating, and I can barely stand to picture it.

I just e-mailed my counselor to see if she has a spot open on Wednesday.  That's one thing I can do to help myself.