I've been on break for the past three weeks... nice break, some good things, some great things, some stressful things.  I'm also stressed about going back to my regular life.  Break (staying at my parents' house) is so stress-free and responsibility-free that it makes anything else rather scary.  I don't really have anyone to talk to this about, either.

This week, first.  A trip to PA to visit relatives.  Where I got in a bit of trouble for snooping.  My cousin was really upset with me... that feeling SUCKS, especially because I love her and look up to her.  I actually didn't know how upset until I apologized, and then she wrote me an e-mail and really let me have it.  She said she hoped she didn't sound too harsh-- nope, it wasn't anything I hadn't already told myself, but it still made me cry a lot.  I don't know if I'm welcome to stay with her again, but she did say she considers this over now and the air cleared.  I like that she's honest and we can talk through it a bit.

My grandpa's been having health issues and will start chemo next week.  Glad I got to see him on my trip.

My friend E from church is moving... so no more talks.  Okay, she's just moving an hour away, but I won't see her at church every week, we won't be able to meet to walk as we'd done lately.  I'd really been relying on her lately because we could talk about the hard stuff-- and she would always text me back.  Whoops, has me crying again.  The day before I left for Christmas break, I still hadn't raked my yard, and E came over with her two kids to help me; I even said no, don't come, you shouldn't reward my procrastination, but she came anyway.  There's a great friend.  I'm worried about her when she leaves, too, because of her attachment issues... she told me she doesn't have any friends.  Other than me now, I think.

I've had some sort of virus all week, so I've basically sat on the couch and watched tv and worked and haven't felt well.  Hasn't been much fun and has led to some down times, but I've worked through them.

Was supposed to get together with two friends this week but haven't heard back from either, so that's sad because I was really looking forward to it.  I'd already contacted them several times and they both said this week... I was afraid to ask them again because I didn't want to pester them.  Maybe they don't really like me.  I've had all sorts of friendship issues lately-- I don't know what's wrong with me, but I keep pushing, so I'm not surprised when it doesn't work out.  I was even pushing H the other day.

I'm so nervous to be back to my real schedule-- and everything that comes with that-- when I get back to work.  Figured I'd come here and try to get out some of that anxiety.  I'm worried because I won't have anyone to talk to: H was pretty clear when laying down guidelines for our work together, but we'd gotten off-track, and she reminded me of them again, that I'm not to talk about "official" stuff except when we're together.  I'd gotten used to relying on her.  She said I could talk to other friends, but I don't have any on which I can count: they're all busy with jobs, work, etc.  H was the only one who would text me back.  I'm not even sure when we'll get together because the week/weekend I get back is surrounded by a church event, so she'll be gone.

I've thought several times that I want to go back to what's easy... to not being on a schedule, going to church, talking to people... in some ways it's easier, in some it's not.  On Sunday, the pastor was talking about moving forward and used this verse from Philippians 3: Only let us hold true to what we have attained. I was reminded that I HAVE attained something, that I'm better off than where I was in August, and I need to not just give it up and get back into it.

Right?  Of course right.