Having motivation is sooo weird... not that I'm complaining.  :)  I've had three great days so far, Mon-Wed, and today is looking good as well.  I enjoy smiling (and GJ said I have a nice smile last night).  I like having a goal of being able to get my to-do list done by 1 or 2 pm and actually doing it!

The anxiety is still up there and I can't sleep well, but I ordered some melatonin to help with that and it will be here on Saturday.  I also ordered a multi-vitamin to help overall as well.

I exercises on Tuesday for the first time in weeks... it was nice outside, 60 degrees, so I took a 4-mile bike ride and then a 2-mile walk.  Dusted off my workout videos to look at what I can use.  My options for hiking are a little bit more restricted than last semester, but I want to get some exercise at least three times a week.  I have two or three days a week when I can hike (and I like hiking in the winter/snow, so that's not a problem) and I have six workout videos from which to choose.  One of them is the Biggest Loser's Power Walk, which I love... it has 4 16-minute miles, but it's more than just walking because it gets your arms going and there's some light weight work as well.  If I'm not feeling like doing much, it's great to say "okay, I can do a mile walk"-- and then I almost always end up feeling better through it and doing another mile.  :)  I felt very mellow on Tues after my exercise-- I'm wondering if I can dare to do it before bed.  Honestly, I don't want to workout at 11pm or midnight, but it would probably work.

I'm still really nervous about church.  E leaving is really difficult.  She's my third go-to person I've lost-- that one person who, when church was over, I could go talk to them, like my family at church.  It always throws me when that happens because that's my safety net.  I don't want to just sit there and someone feel like they have to talk to me.  So, I don't want to go to church.  The last time my go-to people left, I stopped going for a few weeks, at least.  This time if I stop, H and GJ will ask where I've been.  I like the accountability, but I also want a break.  I'd rather not go until E actually leaves (they've been house shopping etc.) because that will make the transition easier.  At the same time, I don't want to go if she's not there.  It will be easier this time around, though, because I have more friends.  I have four friends I can talk to.

GJ's been very helpful on Wed night because she'll come sit with me.  Last night she asked if I wanted to pray with someone other than her, and I said "no, not really."  :)  I'm almost exactly the same age as her daughter, just a month older (but I really don't talk to her).  She asks good questions (which are starting to make me nervous, but I trust her!): yesterday I was talking about how I feel like I'm 50 or 60... she asked why... because I feel like I've experienced so much and each day seems so long.. she asked why... because the more I do, the longer my day seems.

H was exceedingly gracious yesterday.  I wasn't at all sure what to expect... she's typically either a hard-ass or very supportive.  At one point she even said "I think you're doing well!" and I said I didn't think so.  :)  She was like "we both knew you (or at least I did) that you would get depressed when you got home-- it makes sense-- but you got through it.  And you are doing better overall, right?"  Yup, I am, because I have good and even great days!

Now, off to do some dishes, work on weaving a scarf (a woman at church gave me a bag full of yarn, so I used some of it to make her a scarf), make dinner, and maybe build some LEGO!  Plus, tomorrow's Friday!