So tired, and food hasn't been agreeing with me lately... I'd like to just stop eating altogether.  I think I'm going to have to focus on taking care of myself this week.  Last week was okay, but not great, and I can feel myself slipping back into "normal."

Went over to H's today, and we talked a bit.  She was happy to hear how well I was doing.  She mentioned the meals I cooked for her, and how much they meant to her, and how she was touched because it meant I was thinking of her and her needs.  I wish I could remember all because it was mushily lovely.  But it made me happy because she considers me a friend... ya know, she's just one of those people who's nice to everyone and so it's sometimes hard to tell if the friendship is reciprocal.

Speaking of non-reciprocal friendships, S is driving me crazy.  She doesn't respond-- at all-- when I say something important.  I don't expect her to respond to every little text I send, but when I tell her something big like my brother is having a baby or my friends are getting divorced, then yeah, it would be nice to have at least confirmation that it was heard.  Nothing.  I want to be her for her and I love her and care about her, but this is driving me a bit crazy.  I don't even know if she likes me anymore (I've asked her twice, but guess what, she never responded).  So, I've texted her once since Tuesday and will probably just keep it brief till then.  If she needs me, I'll be there, but I'm not volunteering information... send it to someone who cares.

Anyway, don't want to end on a negative note (S taught me that, and I was very conscious of that with my emails afterwards)... had a really lovely weekend with the camping and hiking, and visits with friends today.  Glad I came home a bit early yesterday to get some work done; I don't like going into the workweek stressed and feeling behind.  Another friend said I was responsible to do so.  :)  Went to a great church service where the sermon was MUCH too short, and had some good fellowship afterward.

It will be a good week.

Whew... at home doing some work to prepare for next week and tomorrow after a good dinner and epsom salt and lavender bath.

I went camping last night... just one night is sometimes enough.  The best part, though, is that I had plenty of time to hike, which is my way to process and relax a bit.  I hiked 17.5 miles yesterday and 13 today (although bits of it were road walking).  Also, the trails were seriously FLAT which made it easy!  Tiny hills today, but mostly flat.  I was by a lake, and it was gorgeous.  One shot:

  

 

I did have lots of time to think about the divorce, think through some feelings on the situation (it's very complicated and multi-faceted), what if anything I should do.

I also learned the difference between a birch and beech tree... and cut some switches.  I need to put them in water so they don't dry out.

Life is so complicated... which is why I'm up posting 7 hours before I have to get up, of course.

A friend texted tonight and told me he and his wife are getting a divorce.  It's a shock, mostly: it is because I wasn't expecting it at all, but at the same time, knowing her... not so much of a shock.

Some background: I've known him his whole life and her for 15 years; I was good friends with her in high school and him in college.  I even thought he and I would get married, and he liked me, but he chose her instead.  So yeah, that brings up huge feelings for me.   When he texted me tonight, he said he'd always considered us to be good friends even though we haven't talked much in the past ten years, and I was starting to wonder where this was going, but never expected divorce.

Darn, I still like him, of course... he was like my best brother ever.  Should he be texting me about this?  Probably not, and we don't need to become emotionally attached over this.   I asked if he has people to talk to there, and he does.  I reminded him that divorce is unbiblical and, as I thought, he's not the one making the choice in this.

I'm just so sad because I've known this whole family for years-- his parents are like my parents, his sister is one of my very good friends-- and I know what divorce does to families and I don't want that for him and his kids.

Glad tomorrow's a short day and I can come home after tutoring.  Now I'm wishing I hadn't moved my counseling session to a few weeks down the road because I could at least talk to my counselor about it.

And WHY does my head keep switching to "he'll be available soon"?  Quit that!  That's not the right way to think in this situation.  Their marriage was very hard for me, and for years after I imagined myself marrying him after she died.  Now this is completely different, and I feel guilty for even having those thoughts.  And being selfish, and this is not what this situation is about!

Gonna lie down, watch some tv, and then try to sleep.  Head hurts from all the crying.

The past two days were fun but busy.  I was gone all day Saturday as I went to a LEGO convention (one of my many hobbies) an hour away in the morning, came home, and took my friend to the state park in the afternoon/evening.

Sunday... morning church, met my friend for lunch, rested and read for an hour or so, then evening church.  Was gone 12 hours or so each day.  I think it wore me out because I even took a nap today.  Today was unusual; I wasn't feeling down, but I didn't have the energy I've had the past few weeks.  That's okay, and I took it easy and did some light work, sent e-mails.  I really wanted a spanking today... sigh.  I've been feeling that way the past few days.

Meeting with H on Sunday... yay!  Finally.  I'm interested to see where we're going from here.  And, to ask her all my questions I've thought of since our last meeting.

I really do need to get some work done around here, though.  Tomorrow looks good.  :D

I'm trying to be very deliberate and aware to make sure I don't mess up this good streak.  I feel a bit paranoid; I know, really, there's nothing I can do to hold off the bad days, that they'll come when they want to, but having good days just makes them seem further away, and they'll be scarier when they come back because of their unfamiliarity.

Tomorrow, I'm teaching, mountain biking, then coming home.  I'll have the rest of the day to be home... I need days like that at least once a week.  Saturday I'm taking a friend to a state park, and we'll hike, picnic, and maybe read.  She's 30 years older than I, but we get along well.  Sunday I might end up being gone all day because I'm meeting my guy friend in the afternoon, so will possibly hit morning and evening church.  That's why I'm saving tomorrow to be home; even went to the grocery store tonight.

I crocheted two scarves this week.  It's always good when the creative urge comes out; means I'm doing well.  I also have plans to weave a new scarf... bought the yarn yesterday.

Get to do some cooking tomorrow, too, for the picnic.  It's going to be British-picnic themed, and we'll even have tea on my camp stove.  :)

H is back.  Yay!  I know she was only gone for six days, but each of my days typically seems like two or three, so that makes normal weeks seem much longer.  She said she almost cried when she saw the box of food I'd made (okay, it had been a long day and it was her first day of subbing, and the day after she got back from her trip, so she was just a little more emotional than usual).

Wednesdays aren't too bad.  Really tired today (hungry, but I didn't want to eat when I got home), but I got in a 5 mile hike.

Next week I start my third job, so things will get busier.  I already feel busy, but that's mostly because of my social engagements, learning sign language, and chatting with my friend most nights for 90 minutes or so.  I didn't have anything social this week, but want to go camping this weekend-- very relaxing for me.

Sleep!

Today's much better so far than I thought it would be yesterday.  When you go to bed down, you never quite know how you'll wake up.  Fell asleep at 10:30 last night... however, woke up 3 hours later and never fell back into a sound sleep and spent a lot of time awake, too.

Today's the day S's mom died... she told me in a text this morning, and I'm happy she told me.  I sometimes remember to look these things up, but I didn't today.  She said she's doing well.

Today H is on her way home.  We were texting a bit... don't think we'll be able to meet much because she has a substitute teaching job for a month.  Regardless, I'll see her on Wed.  :)  She said I was awesome for making her meals.

Today I've made five people laugh: H and her husband, and three random people I met on the trail.