Well, I was going to go to bed since I have to get up in 7.5 hours, but now S has texted me.  Three whole times.  I'm hoping if I keep asking her questions, she'll keep responding... it's worked so far!  So, I probably won't sleep until she does.  Her first text was completely normal, in tone, syntax, etc.  I always feel like I have to ask the important questions while I have her, but I don't want to scare her off.

Stress today.  I drank lots of caffeine, mostly sweet tea, but even a cup of coffee.  I figured if I was going to be jumpy in my head, I might as well feel that way too.  I also gave myself quite a few spankings.  Not ideal, and I'd rather I had someone to do it for me, but it gets some of the tension out.  I think I'll be a bit sore tomorrow.

Meeting tomorrow.  I've been thinking about it all day and nervous.  Actually, I have two meetings.  The first is the one I'm most worried about because I don't know anyone and we'll have a box lunch afterward, so we'll have to sit around and chat.  Hopefully my social anxiety won't be too bad.  I keep reminding myself that talking to people in my field usually isn't too bad.  But, as I'm new, I might well be a "target" of conversation.

Didn't go to church tonight... decided it was too much work.  Yes, it's work for me to leave the house.  On Sunday I ended up leaving partway through the service, going downstairs, and sitting down there.  I didn't have a panic attack or anything, but I couldn't listen and breathe at the same time and was getting tired of all the attention required to do both, so gave up.  It was easier to just sit in the half-dark, arms around my knees, and not think about all the people in the room.

I'm trying trying trying to not get frustrated with S.  I understand her need to withdraw-- I do it too, did it today-- and go into hiding.  I just don't know why it's taking sooo long.  Even when I withdraw, I still want to hear from people, for them to contact me, and I'll at least return their concern, especially in a "safe" form of communication like e-mails or texts.  Phone calls, probably not.  But she doesn't, and I don't understand that.  Didn't hear from her at all yesterday, but today I at least got a "good morning to you" and she answered one of my questions with two words.  That's how I know when she's not doing so great... when she's not her chatty self.  When she doesn't answer my questions.  When she doesn't want to text chat.  We haven't done that in almost two months.  We haven't phoned, either, since I saw her six weeks ago.  Actually, it's kind of amazing that I've lasted this long since I never have before.  Good thing I love her.  :)  But I do miss her consistency and concern for me.  I've been trying to get her to see that she needs to make changes, and she's responded to that a bit, but doesn't make any long-term changes and won't commit to anything.  I can't push her because I don't feel comfortable and I don't know how bossy and up-front I can be... and still be respectful.  I've told her to do things a few times before, but playfully, and she responded to that.  Getting someone who's 30 years older than you to do something is tricky!  I want her to talk about what's bothering her (especially since I know what it was and was there), but I can't force her to do that either-- especially when she won't respond to texts or calls.

At least she's just as stubborn as I.  Maybe she's just giving me a taste of my own medicine.  ;)

Wherever my good energy went, I want it back!  lol.

Yesterday was good-- walked with a friend, teaching, errands, phone conversation.  I'm trying to be very intentional, knowing what's coming... starting at a new school next week, and I hate transitions.  I'm also feeling like I don't have much support through this transition, and typing that was enough to make me feel breathless.   It's not just a new situation: that I could handle well enough, but it's closely tied to job loss and insecurities and lack of confidence.  I'm trying to not let myself get down-- or dwell on it.  And breathe.

I know I have friends who care about me-- H reminded me on Sunday when I was commenting on a friend who doesn't.  She said it seriously, it was so cute: "you have many friends who care about you."

And, being deliberate, I'm going to sign off and make some breakfast because that's a first positive step.  Whole wheat toast with peanut butter, fruit and yogurt smoothie.  Lots of protein to help with tryptophan and serotonin.

Thinking about definitions... I don't think that "bad day" is a good idea.  They're not always completely bad.  Down Day would perhaps be more appropriate.

I've struggled with depression on and off the past eight years... when my counselor said that the other day, I was like "wow, eight years?  That's a long time."  Especially when one is in their early thirties.

It's a part of my life now, but overall getting better.  I actually thought I had it licked but then lost my job two years ago.  I stayed on top of that quite nicely but then had a rough summer and that got me back into a deep, deep depression.  My friend "suggested" for over a year that I go to counseling, but it took me that long to want to do it and be in a place where I was ready.

I've had Good Days lately, and I'm so thankful!  Those are the days I can get things done without talking myself into it.  The Down Days are the ones where I'm wishing for a disciplinarian.  Female, because I'm not entirely sure I'd trust a guy at this point.  Some sort of aunt/mother/older sister role.  I have plenty of those in my life-- most of my friendships also look like this, but without the discipline aspect.

As I was telling H last night, I want consequences.  I know that decisions and actions are supposed to have them, but I don't see that they really do.  Or, at least, not bad ones.  If I don't clean my house, big deal: I just do it later.  It doesn't cost me anything.

Speaking of that, I actually do need to get cleaning up...

For once, I think I might be getting better.

I had a really good weekend, camping and hiking.  Even some un-planned socializing with people I don't know.

I had a long talk with H last night at church.  She was encouraging.

I know that most of my issues stem from lack of self-discipline, but I'm not exactly sure *how* to get that discipline.  Or how to create in myself.  On Good Days, like today, I can talk myself into doing things and not procrastinating.  Bad Days, not so much.

And, I'm getting along mostly on my own.  I had a good talk with my counselor last week.  But, since my friend S has been mostly incommunicado the past two months, I've had to get along without her.  When usually I'd rely on her for advice, encouragement, her ability to see what's best for me.  I somehow just realized today that I've managed to get along without that.  She praised me once, but otherwise, our roles have almost been reversed and I've been the one telling her what to do.  She's much like myself in that she doesn't listen to the point of carrying out, but... at least she listens.