Having motivation is sooo weird... not that I'm complaining.  :)  I've had three great days so far, Mon-Wed, and today is looking good as well.  I enjoy smiling (and GJ said I have a nice smile last night).  I like having a goal of being able to get my to-do list done by 1 or 2 pm and actually doing it!

The anxiety is still up there and I can't sleep well, but I ordered some melatonin to help with that and it will be here on Saturday.  I also ordered a multi-vitamin to help overall as well.

I exercises on Tuesday for the first time in weeks... it was nice outside, 60 degrees, so I took a 4-mile bike ride and then a 2-mile walk.  Dusted off my workout videos to look at what I can use.  My options for hiking are a little bit more restricted than last semester, but I want to get some exercise at least three times a week.  I have two or three days a week when I can hike (and I like hiking in the winter/snow, so that's not a problem) and I have six workout videos from which to choose.  One of them is the Biggest Loser's Power Walk, which I love... it has 4 16-minute miles, but it's more than just walking because it gets your arms going and there's some light weight work as well.  If I'm not feeling like doing much, it's great to say "okay, I can do a mile walk"-- and then I almost always end up feeling better through it and doing another mile.  :)  I felt very mellow on Tues after my exercise-- I'm wondering if I can dare to do it before bed.  Honestly, I don't want to workout at 11pm or midnight, but it would probably work.

I'm still really nervous about church.  E leaving is really difficult.  She's my third go-to person I've lost-- that one person who, when church was over, I could go talk to them, like my family at church.  It always throws me when that happens because that's my safety net.  I don't want to just sit there and someone feel like they have to talk to me.  So, I don't want to go to church.  The last time my go-to people left, I stopped going for a few weeks, at least.  This time if I stop, H and GJ will ask where I've been.  I like the accountability, but I also want a break.  I'd rather not go until E actually leaves (they've been house shopping etc.) because that will make the transition easier.  At the same time, I don't want to go if she's not there.  It will be easier this time around, though, because I have more friends.  I have four friends I can talk to.

GJ's been very helpful on Wed night because she'll come sit with me.  Last night she asked if I wanted to pray with someone other than her, and I said "no, not really."  :)  I'm almost exactly the same age as her daughter, just a month older (but I really don't talk to her).  She asks good questions (which are starting to make me nervous, but I trust her!): yesterday I was talking about how I feel like I'm 50 or 60... she asked why... because I feel like I've experienced so much and each day seems so long.. she asked why... because the more I do, the longer my day seems.

H was exceedingly gracious yesterday.  I wasn't at all sure what to expect... she's typically either a hard-ass or very supportive.  At one point she even said "I think you're doing well!" and I said I didn't think so.  :)  She was like "we both knew you (or at least I did) that you would get depressed when you got home-- it makes sense-- but you got through it.  And you are doing better overall, right?"  Yup, I am, because I have good and even great days!

Now, off to do some dishes, work on weaving a scarf (a woman at church gave me a bag full of yarn, so I used some of it to make her a scarf), make dinner, and maybe build some LEGO!  Plus, tomorrow's Friday!

I've been so emotional lately.  I tear up at the littlest things (like Doc Martin leaving Port Wenn).  Maybe it's because my nephew was born on Friday (first grandkid in the family), and I won't be able to see him til Easter.  Maybe it's because E is moving.

At any rate, I've been hunkered down this weekend watching Doc Martin (S suggested it, and my counselor from my previous state), and I love it.  I wonder if different people take to it differently: if introverts relate to him, but extraverts feel sorry for him.  I can identify, anyway.  And of course want to drink lots of tea-- a result of the British accents.

Considering I didn't wake up until almost 11 this morning, I'm not expecting to fall asleep anytime soon.  Took my "calms" tablets, and am breathing deeply when I remember.  I'd say the anxiety is twice as bad as usual.

My counselor suggested journaling the other day... and I was able to tell her I'm already doing it.  She also reminded me of several things I could be doing-- all of which I know, but I forget.  When we talked about anxiety, she mentioned breathing with some sort of mantra.  I remembered doing that work for H and dug out those notes.  I just need someone to remind me what I need to do, since I can't figure that out myself.

Canceled any plans for the weekend (wasn't feeling so hot this morning), but still want to get to church.  Will try to get to church.  I think  I'll ask GJ to keep me accountable on that end... she notices if I'm there or not, and it's not even "I didn't see you," just "you weren't here."

Hope to get together with H this week... I hope.  She said we have a lot of catching up to do... that's a bit of an understatement because she doesn't know what's been going on.  I don't think she'll be too surprised, but she was pleased with my progress before.   Now I'm basically starting over again.

That reminds me, I need to do my Bible reading for today.  Not a fan of Numbers... although every once in a while I come across a name and think "that sounds like it belongs in The Hobbit or LOTR."

Yesterday wasn't much fun.  At least I taught.  And, I had a nice session with my counselor.  I thought I'd sit down and type out a few things while I wait for my lunch to bake.  It's going to be good, I think... brown rice, eggs, spinach, CHEESE.  :)  Three kinds.

Rode to church with my friends from town... if I'd have had to drive myself, I don't think I would have made it.  I was having a hard time making eye contact.  Afterward, I talked to one of my new friends, GJ, who said she likes it when I message her.  And she wondered where I was Sunday, and asked if I was sick.  I was like "kinda?" and of course she wanted to know what that meant.  So, I told her about my depression and she was nice and asked if I wanted to talk.  That was a lot of "ands," but I don't want to go back and revise.

Today's okay, but I must keep it together and clean up my house because I have friends coming tomorrow night... our annual sleepover (they're kids/teens and we've been doing it for five years).  House is mostly cleaned up, now to clean.

I think I'll make a cup of tea to go with my lunch.  And have some cherry tomatoes and a clementine.  Nice and healthy.

Today is so much better.  I'm not sure why... it could be a number of reasons...

1.  I had a nice text from S this morning.  She said she's seeing a softer side of me and it's comfortable.  She also shared her anxiety about a meeting at work, and I wrote back to reassure her, and we had a lovely exchange.

2. I have a counseling session tomorrow.  Although now, of course, I'm wondering if I really need it!  But I do want to talk about my anxiety for the semester.

3. I went back to sleep.  I woke up around 8:30 and my adrenaline was racing.  I was so nervous about teaching... I felt like I could feel my heart pounding.  I laid there for about an hour and finally fell asleep again.

4.  S sent me her document about hope... she had a notebook page of information she's been gathering, and I asked her to send it to me because that's one concept with which I really struggle... I understand the idea of hope in heaven, but not on earth.  It's S's word for the year.  I like this verse:

·         “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait” My hope is in you. Deliver me from all my transgressions.” Psalms 39:7

It's been a struggle lately.  I know I shouldn't have to rely on H, and I hate that I do.  I don't know what to do to get myself up and going... I won't do more than is absolutely necessary.  I can't tell her that I'm struggling.  She didn't say anything about me not being at church yesterday, not a dickey bird, so I guess we'll have that talk next time we're together.  I'm assuming she noticed-- she's not clueless.  I also didn't text her for four days, which is very unusual for me.  I guess our next meeting might not be very fun.  I just wish it could be this week and not next week.

I'm so behind on everything I'm supposed to be doing.  I haven't been on my sleeping schedule at all.  I'm about three days behind with my Bible reading.  And, I've been letting my feelings dictate what I do instead of what is the right thing to do.  I've been kind of ignoring the fact that I'm depressed... because the plans we made before don't work with my new depression.  I talked with S and E about it a bit today, but neither of them seemed too concerned about it.  I want someone to come up and give me a lecture and say that I need to get on track, now!  And then stick around to make sure I get it done.  I decided when chatting with E that one thing I could do that would be manageable would be to catch up on Bible reading, but did I do that?  No.

S and I have been having conversations about my tendency to challenge my friends.  One thing I realized is that I only do it if someone has a dominant personality.  :D  Perhaps perhaps that has something to do with my submissive tendencies.  She asked if it was a power thing-- a little, at least.  I'm not sure if I'm completely submissive... I could probably switch.  I do like the thought of keeping someone else accountable-- I think that would be a fun relationship, and I could do something there.  Today, S suggested I start with showing respect to my friends.  I don't know I'm completely sure what that might look like, but I can try.  Along with everything else I'm supposed to be doing.  Yes, overwhelmed.  And I'm not even doing anything yet.

I'm stressed about my new schedule.  Mondays and Wednesdays will both be long... I'll be working for 12 hours on Mondays and gone for 14 on Weds.  I don't think I can do that.  Just the thought of standing in front of my classes is freaking me out more than usual.  They're larger classes than I've had for a year, 23-25 students in each.  The thought of the full rooms and full desks is nauseating, and I can barely stand to picture it.

I just e-mailed my counselor to see if she has a spot open on Wednesday.  That's one thing I can do to help myself.

Depression must be a shapeshifter.  Just when I think I know what it is, the signs, and can avoid it, it comes in a new form.  Thursday and Friday I was thinking "no, I can't be depressed, my mood is great!"  Just because I have no motivation... just because I don't want to go anywhere... okay, yes, that's depression now, even with the good mood. 

Well, I didn't have anything planned this weekend, and no class tomorrow, so I've been pretty quiet.  Just texting S... we did have a nice conversation yesterday.  At one point, I said "will you give me something to do so I can get off the couch?"  "Happy to: look for 5 tasks you've been avoiding, and do them.  Then, send photos to me  :-)"  I was like oh shit, FIVE?  Took me an hour and a half to do all five, but I got dishes done, a bunch of stuff put away, dinner made.  I did the four easiest things first, and then told S I didn't have anything but big stuff left, so she said I could do 15 minutes of a big task and eat dinner afterward (because I was hungry).  The tasks made me feel so much better, though, and my mood was much improved after that.  Plus, it was a little fun to have someone tell me to do.

I'm excited because I left Erica Scott a comment on her blog, and she wrote back:

Liz -- thank you so much. That was a lovely present today. ♥

I even got a little heart.  :)

This seems like a good weekend to hunker down and not go anywhere.  I'm not depressed, so I don't know why I want to.  Maybe I just want H to take notice?  To know that I do need her.  She'll be busy all next week with a retreat, and I didn't even see her at church on Wed.  I wasn't planning to go, but then, in the mail, I got a nice note from one of my new friends, and that reminded me that I missed everyone (since I hadn't seen them for a month).

My counselor and I spent most of hour session talking about how I've been challenging my friends lately.  She said there's a continuum with "passive" on one end, "aggressive" on the other, and "assertive" in between.  I've jumped from passive to aggressive when I need to be somewhere in the middle.  She said I need to practice and recommended a book to read.  I used to never challenge anyone (one of my college professors once used the word "mouse" about me as an undergrad), but now I'll go around challenging friends and even strangers. 

After a lot of thought on this, I've figured out mostly why I challenge my friends: when I'm upset with them.  I've had two friends in the past few months who were very late (20+ minutes), and I had nothing to do but hang around and wait for them and play on my dumb phone.  That made me very annoyed, and I acted out.  Still not sure what happened with my cousin and why I challenged her... the only thing I can think about was last time I was visiting, she told me she wouldn't have let me do something.  Right, like she can tell me what to do.  I just need to learn the difference between when that is true or not and when I need to be respectful of others.

Feeling better today, I think.  Got out of the house, took a 2-mile walk, did a bit of thrift store shopping.

Asked my two friends about getting together anyway-- figured it was better to ask than not.  One said yes, one said maybe tomorrow.  I'll take that.  :)

I've been on break for the past three weeks... nice break, some good things, some great things, some stressful things.  I'm also stressed about going back to my regular life.  Break (staying at my parents' house) is so stress-free and responsibility-free that it makes anything else rather scary.  I don't really have anyone to talk to this about, either.

This week, first.  A trip to PA to visit relatives.  Where I got in a bit of trouble for snooping.  My cousin was really upset with me... that feeling SUCKS, especially because I love her and look up to her.  I actually didn't know how upset until I apologized, and then she wrote me an e-mail and really let me have it.  She said she hoped she didn't sound too harsh-- nope, it wasn't anything I hadn't already told myself, but it still made me cry a lot.  I don't know if I'm welcome to stay with her again, but she did say she considers this over now and the air cleared.  I like that she's honest and we can talk through it a bit.

My grandpa's been having health issues and will start chemo next week.  Glad I got to see him on my trip.

My friend E from church is moving... so no more talks.  Okay, she's just moving an hour away, but I won't see her at church every week, we won't be able to meet to walk as we'd done lately.  I'd really been relying on her lately because we could talk about the hard stuff-- and she would always text me back.  Whoops, has me crying again.  The day before I left for Christmas break, I still hadn't raked my yard, and E came over with her two kids to help me; I even said no, don't come, you shouldn't reward my procrastination, but she came anyway.  There's a great friend.  I'm worried about her when she leaves, too, because of her attachment issues... she told me she doesn't have any friends.  Other than me now, I think.

I've had some sort of virus all week, so I've basically sat on the couch and watched tv and worked and haven't felt well.  Hasn't been much fun and has led to some down times, but I've worked through them.

Was supposed to get together with two friends this week but haven't heard back from either, so that's sad because I was really looking forward to it.  I'd already contacted them several times and they both said this week... I was afraid to ask them again because I didn't want to pester them.  Maybe they don't really like me.  I've had all sorts of friendship issues lately-- I don't know what's wrong with me, but I keep pushing, so I'm not surprised when it doesn't work out.  I was even pushing H the other day.

I'm so nervous to be back to my real schedule-- and everything that comes with that-- when I get back to work.  Figured I'd come here and try to get out some of that anxiety.  I'm worried because I won't have anyone to talk to: H was pretty clear when laying down guidelines for our work together, but we'd gotten off-track, and she reminded me of them again, that I'm not to talk about "official" stuff except when we're together.  I'd gotten used to relying on her.  She said I could talk to other friends, but I don't have any on which I can count: they're all busy with jobs, work, etc.  H was the only one who would text me back.  I'm not even sure when we'll get together because the week/weekend I get back is surrounded by a church event, so she'll be gone.

I've thought several times that I want to go back to what's easy... to not being on a schedule, going to church, talking to people... in some ways it's easier, in some it's not.  On Sunday, the pastor was talking about moving forward and used this verse from Philippians 3: Only let us hold true to what we have attained. I was reminded that I HAVE attained something, that I'm better off than where I was in August, and I need to not just give it up and get back into it.

Right?  Of course right.