I really haven't been journaling... or e-mailing anyone.  Not much talking lately.  I did get together with E the past two weeks, and that's nice because we can just spill and say whatever we want... in fact, last week she apologized for complaining so much.  I almost prefer talking about serious and negative stuff to anything else.  I went to a party this past weekend, but the only topics I could think of that I even wanted to talk about were serious.  I don't like those light-hearted conversations very much.

H has been pushing me... a lot.  I've grown so much since summer.  I still have rough days, but they're shorter, I can get out of them more easily, and I can still get things done during them.  Lately we've been talking about thoughts... and not letting myself be ruled by my emotions.  When we met last week, she gave me a some homework about what to do for the negative thoughts and how to counter them.  Lots of work-- it might not seem like it, but to someone like me with pretty much consistent thoughts, and sometimes overlapping ones, it's overwhelming at times.

I even got a lecture from her on Tuesday.  It was through text so it probably wasn't as bad as it could've been, but it sure wasn't pleasant to read, and I cried.  Sure was effective, though!  I wrote her an e-mail yesterday to talk about it a bit... I've been feeling insecure since then (since this summer, actually, with S) because whenever I've gotten a lecture that bad, it means the person on the other end was not happy with me.  The good thing about H is that she doesn't hold grudges and forgets easily... now I just have to convince myself of that.

I went into hiding last weekend.. didn't send out many texts, didn't do a whole lot other than work.

I've been doing well-- a few trips: camping, visiting relatives a few states away.  I was fine all week, until Thursday night, when I could feel the depression coming.  It was scary, it was strong, and my breathing was erratic.  I took control: tried to read a few Bible verses, but couldn't focus, so laid on the floor to breathe.  The controlled breathing that my counselor suggested, with a Bible verse, got me out of it.  I was exhausted afterward.

So yeah, have been struggling the past few weeks.  I write when I'm doing well.

Right now I feel like I'm a mess and have gotten myself in really deep.  I've totally screwed up my spending, have missed a few classes, my house is still a mess (although did spend twenty minutes on it today).

Met with H last week...  her assignment was to think about this question before I make decisions: how will it affect those in circles around me?  (family, friends, church, job, etc).  Even on Sunday, the pastor was talking about talking to ourselves-- instead of letting self take over, to do what we want, we need to talk to ourselves.  Even the Psalmist did it: why are you downcast, my soul?   I can do that-- I'm getting better-- but moving from the talking to the doing is the hard part!  I did it on Sunday-- talked myself into meeting my friend and going to church, even though I was positive on Saturday that I wouldn't.  And on Sunday, too, even though it was the right thing to do.

Then, in conversations I've had with H through text recently, she's been emphasizing how I need to go to Christ.  I get it, I can do it sometimes, but I don't always seem to have the emotional connection that makes that fulfilling.  I'd rather talk to friends.  I told H that I had lots to say next time we talk, lots of ideas running through my head.  :)

Today was good.  Taught, walked 5 miles, met a friend for part of the walk, got my online grading done, did some cleaning up.  Productive, and I like those days.

Went to a great play over the weekend... it was called "The Last Train to Nibroc" and had one actor and one actress.  It centers on a woman who meets a soldier on a train during WWII.  I was surprised to have some spanking talk in Act II!  She was a school teacher at that point, and he was acting like a troublesome student, so she threatened to paddle him.  They must have said the word "paddle" at least six times, although I can't remember the dialogue.  I do remember that when he threatened to run away, then asked what she would do, she said "I would get a switch because it's easier to reach you."  Had a few interesting visuals there...  :)

I skipped class today... which isn't so bad if you're the student, but much worse when you're the teacher.  I awoke at 5:30, didn't feel great, was very warm, sat deliberating for quite a while before I sent the emails to cancel (I was pretty darn sure I'd feel better when I awoke for good an hour later).  I knew I shouldn't do it, but I did anyway.  It makes me feel lousy and hate myself... so I try not to think about it too much.

Not sure what H will say when I tell her... and I really don't want to.  She's done subbing this week, so we should be able to meet semi-regularly now.  Good, because I feel I've lost all control.  I also slept til 10 when I'm supposed to be up around 8.

I've also been spending waaayyy too much money.  It's October, and I need to buckle down and focus on saving and such.  That also makes me upset with myself.

I want a spanking so I can move on... probably deserve two.

Don't want to go to church... just want to stay curled up in my warm, comfy bed (it's 62 in my house) and relax and not think about what's going on outside my house.  I'll have to do that tomorrow anyway.

I didn't go to church this morning, but it's been weeks since I skipped night church.  I know what H would say: it doesn't matter what I want, but I should do the right thing... I need to go to church... it encourages me and others... to not give into myself... that this is important.

Maybe I need to make some changes the week I have papers to grade: no socializing, and stay home and focus on work.  I thought staying home yesterday would be enough, but I guess not.  Maybe I don't need to cut out socializing altogether, as I'm still getting together with my deaf friend every week... but the five hours we spent together on Friday could've been cut back.  I guess I'm realizing that I need to plan better-- in the past, I didn't plan anything during my grading weekends.

H would probably ask if socializing is more important than church.  No, it's not, and church covers both anyway, so it's not like church leaves me unsocial.  When I made my self care plan, I said church every week, and I've been going twice a week-- but that's just my defense, and... well, I can hear H's reminder last week "Wednesday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, we go to church."  But then I think I've already skipped this morning, it won't hurt to skip again.

Then I think that I'm doing well-- getting everything done-- and deserve a "break."  Church shouldn't be included in that break.  I'm not doing that well because my house is still a mess even though I spent a half-hour cleaning it up yesterday.  And, I'm thinking about going away next weekend, which is probably not what I nor my house nor budget need but what I want.

Maybe I'll be able to talk myself into it by later today... that happens sometimes.

I've been busy this week grading essays, but I got them done today.  No one was late, either, so I'm done... until Tuesday, that is, when I get essays for my other class.

Had a bit of a freakout on Thursday because there was so much to do... I was gone all day Wed and Fri, so it's been a long week.  It's getting done, although the house isn't as clean as I'd like it to be at the beginning of a new week.

At times the craving to get in trouble comes so strongly... it's all I can think about.  Of course, it's not very easy for me to get in trouble because I don't have people who specifically tell me what not to do/to do.  I guess I do it because I want attention, but it's not like people won't give me positive attention if I want it (most of the time).  I could be mean to people, but I don't like doing that and I always feel badly afterward.  S used to scold when I was negative about myself, but she doesn't anymore unless I'm with her.

Sigh... getting into trouble is so difficult.

So tired, and food hasn't been agreeing with me lately... I'd like to just stop eating altogether.  I think I'm going to have to focus on taking care of myself this week.  Last week was okay, but not great, and I can feel myself slipping back into "normal."

Went over to H's today, and we talked a bit.  She was happy to hear how well I was doing.  She mentioned the meals I cooked for her, and how much they meant to her, and how she was touched because it meant I was thinking of her and her needs.  I wish I could remember all because it was mushily lovely.  But it made me happy because she considers me a friend... ya know, she's just one of those people who's nice to everyone and so it's sometimes hard to tell if the friendship is reciprocal.

Speaking of non-reciprocal friendships, S is driving me crazy.  She doesn't respond-- at all-- when I say something important.  I don't expect her to respond to every little text I send, but when I tell her something big like my brother is having a baby or my friends are getting divorced, then yeah, it would be nice to have at least confirmation that it was heard.  Nothing.  I want to be her for her and I love her and care about her, but this is driving me a bit crazy.  I don't even know if she likes me anymore (I've asked her twice, but guess what, she never responded).  So, I've texted her once since Tuesday and will probably just keep it brief till then.  If she needs me, I'll be there, but I'm not volunteering information... send it to someone who cares.

Anyway, don't want to end on a negative note (S taught me that, and I was very conscious of that with my emails afterwards)... had a really lovely weekend with the camping and hiking, and visits with friends today.  Glad I came home a bit early yesterday to get some work done; I don't like going into the workweek stressed and feeling behind.  Another friend said I was responsible to do so.  :)  Went to a great church service where the sermon was MUCH too short, and had some good fellowship afterward.

It will be a good week.

Whew... at home doing some work to prepare for next week and tomorrow after a good dinner and epsom salt and lavender bath.

I went camping last night... just one night is sometimes enough.  The best part, though, is that I had plenty of time to hike, which is my way to process and relax a bit.  I hiked 17.5 miles yesterday and 13 today (although bits of it were road walking).  Also, the trails were seriously FLAT which made it easy!  Tiny hills today, but mostly flat.  I was by a lake, and it was gorgeous.  One shot:

  

 

I did have lots of time to think about the divorce, think through some feelings on the situation (it's very complicated and multi-faceted), what if anything I should do.

I also learned the difference between a birch and beech tree... and cut some switches.  I need to put them in water so they don't dry out.

Life is so complicated... which is why I'm up posting 7 hours before I have to get up, of course.

A friend texted tonight and told me he and his wife are getting a divorce.  It's a shock, mostly: it is because I wasn't expecting it at all, but at the same time, knowing her... not so much of a shock.

Some background: I've known him his whole life and her for 15 years; I was good friends with her in high school and him in college.  I even thought he and I would get married, and he liked me, but he chose her instead.  So yeah, that brings up huge feelings for me.   When he texted me tonight, he said he'd always considered us to be good friends even though we haven't talked much in the past ten years, and I was starting to wonder where this was going, but never expected divorce.

Darn, I still like him, of course... he was like my best brother ever.  Should he be texting me about this?  Probably not, and we don't need to become emotionally attached over this.   I asked if he has people to talk to there, and he does.  I reminded him that divorce is unbiblical and, as I thought, he's not the one making the choice in this.

I'm just so sad because I've known this whole family for years-- his parents are like my parents, his sister is one of my very good friends-- and I know what divorce does to families and I don't want that for him and his kids.

Glad tomorrow's a short day and I can come home after tutoring.  Now I'm wishing I hadn't moved my counseling session to a few weeks down the road because I could at least talk to my counselor about it.

And WHY does my head keep switching to "he'll be available soon"?  Quit that!  That's not the right way to think in this situation.  Their marriage was very hard for me, and for years after I imagined myself marrying him after she died.  Now this is completely different, and I feel guilty for even having those thoughts.  And being selfish, and this is not what this situation is about!

Gonna lie down, watch some tv, and then try to sleep.  Head hurts from all the crying.

The past two days were fun but busy.  I was gone all day Saturday as I went to a LEGO convention (one of my many hobbies) an hour away in the morning, came home, and took my friend to the state park in the afternoon/evening.

Sunday... morning church, met my friend for lunch, rested and read for an hour or so, then evening church.  Was gone 12 hours or so each day.  I think it wore me out because I even took a nap today.  Today was unusual; I wasn't feeling down, but I didn't have the energy I've had the past few weeks.  That's okay, and I took it easy and did some light work, sent e-mails.  I really wanted a spanking today... sigh.  I've been feeling that way the past few days.

Meeting with H on Sunday... yay!  Finally.  I'm interested to see where we're going from here.  And, to ask her all my questions I've thought of since our last meeting.

I really do need to get some work done around here, though.  Tomorrow looks good.  :D

I'm trying to be very deliberate and aware to make sure I don't mess up this good streak.  I feel a bit paranoid; I know, really, there's nothing I can do to hold off the bad days, that they'll come when they want to, but having good days just makes them seem further away, and they'll be scarier when they come back because of their unfamiliarity.

Tomorrow, I'm teaching, mountain biking, then coming home.  I'll have the rest of the day to be home... I need days like that at least once a week.  Saturday I'm taking a friend to a state park, and we'll hike, picnic, and maybe read.  She's 30 years older than I, but we get along well.  Sunday I might end up being gone all day because I'm meeting my guy friend in the afternoon, so will possibly hit morning and evening church.  That's why I'm saving tomorrow to be home; even went to the grocery store tonight.

I crocheted two scarves this week.  It's always good when the creative urge comes out; means I'm doing well.  I also have plans to weave a new scarf... bought the yarn yesterday.

Get to do some cooking tomorrow, too, for the picnic.  It's going to be British-picnic themed, and we'll even have tea on my camp stove.  :)

H is back.  Yay!  I know she was only gone for six days, but each of my days typically seems like two or three, so that makes normal weeks seem much longer.  She said she almost cried when she saw the box of food I'd made (okay, it had been a long day and it was her first day of subbing, and the day after she got back from her trip, so she was just a little more emotional than usual).

Wednesdays aren't too bad.  Really tired today (hungry, but I didn't want to eat when I got home), but I got in a 5 mile hike.

Next week I start my third job, so things will get busier.  I already feel busy, but that's mostly because of my social engagements, learning sign language, and chatting with my friend most nights for 90 minutes or so.  I didn't have anything social this week, but want to go camping this weekend-- very relaxing for me.

Sleep!

Today's much better so far than I thought it would be yesterday.  When you go to bed down, you never quite know how you'll wake up.  Fell asleep at 10:30 last night... however, woke up 3 hours later and never fell back into a sound sleep and spent a lot of time awake, too.

Today's the day S's mom died... she told me in a text this morning, and I'm happy she told me.  I sometimes remember to look these things up, but I didn't today.  She said she's doing well.

Today H is on her way home.  We were texting a bit... don't think we'll be able to meet much because she has a substitute teaching job for a month.  Regardless, I'll see her on Wed.  :)  She said I was awesome for making her meals.

Today I've made five people laugh: H and her husband, and three random people I met on the trail.

Looking ahead to another week.  I tend to hate Sunday nights because I go home, leaving my friends at church, and come home with a whole week looming in front.  I was thinking negatively on my way home, but that's been better since I had some food.  Being hungry almost always equals negative thinking now.  I'm afraid I'm going to gain weight because I really can't let myself get too hungry, and it sometimes feels like I'm eating all the time.

S and I texted a bit yesterday.  :)  Haven't heard from her today, though.

H comes home tomorrow.  I don't think her schedule will permit us getting together this week, though, and I don't meet my counselor this week either.  Three weeks is a long time for me to go without either of those.

I don't have anything fun planned for this week, so that probably doesn't help: nothing to look forward to.  I was telling my counselor about what I've been doing lately: plan something specific to look forward to at home, usually just a cup of something warm (tea, coffee) and a TV show, but as long as I have something.

I haven't heard from S in a week.  Not a dicky bird.

Wow, today was busy and good.  Taught in the morning, met with a student.  Met my friend R (also a friend from church) and her two kids at the park; we had lunch, hiked, and went to the nature center.  She kept asking "so what's new in your life?"  It's nice to have someone who's interested and doesn't mind me talking.   When I was talking to E on Wednesday, I realized it had been a long time since I'd sat down and talked with anyone... that I'd gotten to just talk about whatever I wanted and share my feelings and thoughts.  R thinks I'm an interesting person... well, I do know a lot of random stuff about a wide variety of topics.

Then met my guy friend... I was so nervous I was shaking, but then I saw his hands were shaking too, so felt a little better.  :)  We communicated through an interesting combination of speech, fingerspelling, ASL (sign language), and texting.  Had a snack and then went to the park.  I'm still not entirely sure what I think (too tired to process?), but I do like him a lot.

I learned 25 new words in ASL today... and saw many more, but those are the ones I remember.  My brain was turning to mush by the end of our three hours together, so much so that I could barely read his fingerspelling.

We'll have to see how many of those I remember tomorrow.  :D  I have a day at home, yay!

Also, I crocheted a scarf/necklace tonight... one of those infinity scarves, like a mini version.  Took me less than an hour.

Hmm, I have to be up in eight hours.  Perfect time to blog.  :D

Made 3 meals for H, 2 meals for E, and two for myself... complete with side vegetables.  I still need to make cheese scones later, but my freezer is FULL!

I'm meeting my guy friend tomorrow.  He's deaf, and I've been "cramming" sign language for the past two days.  I learned a bit in high school so it's at least familiar, and it's much easier to learn than any other language because you basically have to memorize words (I'm good at that) and not mess with the grammar, etc.  We'll probably end up texting mostly to communicate since I don't know many signs.  He can lip read, though.

Yikes!  Nervous and excited.

I've had such a good... month.  It's bizarre to me because I feel almost normal most of the time, and I don't know that I've felt this way for this long since college (eight years ago).  I don't know if it's all of the new and exciting changes... or what.

Yesterday was good... I've broken my day down into four parts: yes, it's a long day, but I realized that I enjoy most of what I'm doing anyway!  First four hours, teaching and office hours; second four, tutoring (I had three students and still got plenty of grading done); third four, dinner and walking (which ended up being socializing as well because I saw three of my park friends); last set, church!

Tomorrow will be teaching again and then meeting two different friends.  Not much planned for the weekend, but I need to make side dishes and dessert for a youth group meal.  I also decided to freeze some food for H as a surprise when she gets back.  She hates to cook, so these should be nice for her.  She even wrote me a thank-you note one time when I gave her some soup I had leftover.  :)  I'll put some in my freezer as well for the days when I'm busy grading and don't want to stop to cook (Mon and Tues, usually).  That will also lessen the temptation to order pizza.  :D

Had a good chat with E yesterday after church (yes, I have a lot of friends!).  I hadn't talked to anyone for a while, just about me and stuff.  We have common experiences (yesterday we were talking about what to do with our feelings which just seem to get in the way most of the time, and comparing our down days to our good days).  We mostly have questions and aren't sure of the answers, but oh well.  It's nice to share and have that bond.

Need to find some breakfast.

Ah, I'm feeling mellow and full and lovely.  Just made scones (from a box mix), whole wheat tortillas, ww waffles, red onion sauce for hot dogs, and packed my lunch for tomorrow.  Still only about an hour of kitchen time, and it flew by because I like cooking.

I won't be quite as lonely as I thought because I've been chatting with a guy online for a while, and we tend to spend over an hour talking each night.  We chat instead of phoning because he's deaf.  I haven't met him in person, but we're getting along well so far.  I've only told my friends D and S about this, so it's in the very early stages.

The one thing I'm worried about with my arrangement with H is if she'll still like me and maybe even respect me.  She knows a lot about me-- is pretty intuitive-- and I don't want her to think I suck just because I can't get things together.  Kinda difficult when you're working with someone who seems perfect (I know she's not, and she's talked about her own struggles before, but they seem fairly few comparatively).

Must make sure I'm ready for tomorrow.  I do look forward to tutoring in the afternoon especially, and church!  And a bit of hiking.

Finally, I slept well last night.  Midnight to 8am.  The night before I slept midnight to six, but was awake 6-12 times during the night, often for 5-15 minutes, and I wasn't sure I went back to sleep at all after 3am.

Getting restless.  H is gone for a week, leaving today.  Haven't gotten a text from S since Friday... I didn't even text her yesterday.  Haven't heard from N since Saturday.   I need these people.

Am trying to decide if I'm depressed or not.  I tried to just say "no, I'm not" and get on with my day, but hasn't worked so far.  Maybe it's time to break out the plan I made with H.

On a more positive note...
- I went grocery shopping last night, so can practically eat whatever I want today.  :)
- I have an easy lesson to teach today
- um, I can't think of three.  S always asks for things in threes.  Although lately she'll sometimes say two... one, to throw me off because I'm expecting a three, but two because she knows my brain doesn't automatically think in threes.  Getting from two to three is the most difficult for me.


UPDATE: Psalm 118 is amazing.  I could feel my mood changing even a few verses in, and by verse 14, I was happy.   Also sent out a note or two and had a smoothie.

- I'm thankful for the Psalms! 
- Thankful for my friends... they really are amazing.

Why am I writing here when I'm SO tired and can barely think and still have to read my devotional today.  Yeah.  At least my lesson plans are done... I think.  And I know what to wear tomorrow-- that's always a challenge.

I don't think this new sleeping schedule is working very well for me-- I'm so tired so early, at 8 or 9pm, but then I can't sleep anyway.  I know, I should give it a few days.  The fact that I hiked 13.1 miles today might have something to do with the tiredness, possibly.  Or that I went to two church services and was gone for twelve hours.

H is leaving for a week.  Sniff.  I will miss her because I usually see her three times a week, and today was just a "hi."

I'm glad tomorrow is just teaching and oil change and grocery shopping.

Actually got up at 7:58 this morning.  Am thinking I should be up around 8am.  And, since it would be silly to get up then just stay home, I guess I'll go to church tomorrow morning.  I always go in the evening (unless I'm depressed... but then H had convinced me I need to go), but I've been in the morning... twice this year?

I've had a good week, and it kinda makes me nervous.  Like I'm waiting for something bad to happen.  I know it's coming at some point, but not knowing when... it would be better if I had a specific time.  I'd still be nervous, but at least I could better prepare.  Warning: depression is coming at 7:57pm Monday evening.  Please ready yourself for attack.

I told H that I'm optimistic about bad things coming... I'm optimistic about pessimism.  :D  I sure know a lot more about that than the good stuff, though.

I’m sure you all (and by that I mean Ana since she’s the only one who reads this) are all just waiting breathless to hear how my day was.  I thought about making you wait, but that just seems mean.

H has the best analogies.  I’m SO NOT an analogy person, but I can appreciate a good one, and she has them frequently.  Today when she was talking about re-directing our thoughts and getting them on the right track, she compared it to horses wanting to go back the barn.  That’s our natural direction… we just want to go back to where it’s easy.  But with a horse, you take it in circle so it loses its sense of direction, then straighten it out and go the way you want.  You might have to do this multiple times before it forgets and follows you.

She’s taught me something to try going to sleep… counting backwards from 100.  I complained once and said “it’s so boring!”  “That’s the point, so then you’ll sleep!”  I told her my brain keeps getting distracted… at 30, or 60, or… 96.  :)  “Well then, you need to get back on it!”  “But I get so distracted that I forget.”  “Tonight, you’re going to count backward.  That’s your punishment for getting distracted.”  I tried not to smile.

We had a good talk… I wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought I would be.  Okay, so it’s difficult to put myself out there, but it’s for a good reason.    I almost feel like I’m at my counselor—H even gave me an assignment!  I’m to write down three things to do when I feel down (as in depressed or getting there)… specifics, and do them.  So, I came up with this:

1. read Psalm 61, 71, or 118

2. pray for someone and do something to encourage them (even just e-mail or text)

3. eat and/or have a cup of St. John’s Wort tea if I don’t need to eat.

I’m thinking I might need to add another two or so for times when I’m really down.

Also, schedule.  H didn’t specify anything, although seemed to think 8 was a reasonable time to be up.  Yeah, I guess.  I can try it for a week.  Not setting my alarm tomorrow, though… hope I’ll wake up.  :D

At the end of our talk, H said “let’s pray.  I can pray for us.”  I  just said “um yeah, good,” but in a tone that said “yeah, you’d better because I’m not going to!”  Later I felt guilty about that (we’d JUST talked about authority!  And she mentioned it was an issue for me, yeah…)  and I asked if she can read my tone… she said yes, usually, but she didn’t notice anything amiss.  Whew.  It would suck if I ruined our nice talk—and her helping me—with essentially one word.

Tomorrow: go nowhere.  Yay!

I'm so sleepy and should be sleeping, but S called and I'm still a bit worked up from that.  Yes, she called... we were texting, she was driving so decided to call (after she almost hit a curb).  I'd thought of that but of course wasn't going to ask her to call since all previous requests to phone had been denied (or ignored).  Tomorrow will be two months since I've seen her.

And, she told me everything that's been going on the past two months: some of it I already knew, that she was struggling and had been quiet, either because she told me in bits and pieces or I knew from her silence.  But then specifics, all of the physical symptoms (many!) of her anxiety and she doesn't know why.  She said she didn't want to write/talk about it because it would make it seem real... like it wasn't real enough already?  I don't know how she manages to get over stuff because she doesn't talk... much like me before I went to counseling (the first time... this is the second).  Makes me look pretty tame, actually.  I asked what she was doing about all of this, because I can't NOT ask, and if it was helping.  She said yes, but I have to wonder at this point-- two months?  We only talked for 9 minutes, and S sounded a little insecure.  Since when am I the secure one?

I still worry about her.  Makes me want to cry.  I don't want to go to sleep in case she texts me again, either.  Maybe I'll just leave my sound on.  No way I'm telling her that I have to get up at 6 tomorrow because she'll feel badly.  She has told me to go to bed before.  When I stalled, she was like "don't make me be the 'mean mama' :)."  I do call her Mama... she hasn't been using terms of affection (she said, when I questioned why she wasn't using my nickname) but did call me "honey" tonight after I told her I loved her.

I know she's going through a lot, so have tried to be patient with her.  And nice.  Had this happened earlier, I mostly would have been frustrated at her silence-- and taken it out on her, and thought she didn't like me anymore.  Thankfully, I've had few of those thoughts and the times when I was frustrated, turned that around and sent a nice and encouraging text instead.

Hope H doesn't ask tomorrow what time I went to bed last night.  :D  This may well be my last night of staying up as long as I want, so I'd better make good use of it!

And, with that said, I really am tired.  Night, and thanks for listening.

Here's what I wrote yesterday, just didn't want to post it at work.

My day is going well… in a good mood, my classes went well (second class especially—they even talked!)  I let me students ask questions of my (with no promises to answer, mind) and I actually had to cut the second class off!  They had some good questions: do you have a dog, where would you like to travel in the world… fun, interesting.

My counselor commented on my good energy today.  She also said I’m “allergic to positives”… had to laugh because it’s true.  Of course, when I told S that statement, she said it’s because of my poor self image.  Gee, thanks.  As a Christian, I’m not always sure what my self-image should be: I am complete in Christ and my good comes from Him, but sometimes unsure how that translates to myself.  I’m sure H can help me with that.  :)  She’s good like that.

And, today...

I sometimes wonder if being in control doesn't make you more tired.  If I'm resisting, yeah, that's going to wear me out.  Yesterday I went to the wrong spot for tutoring-- a different building a few miles away from the other, had to drive to the other, and told myself on the way "you are not going to let this stress you out!  It doesn't really matter!-- and was a bit late.  No one was waiting, it didn't really matter, but I don't like fighting my moods and would rather give in.  I know this is what H and I are going to talk about tomorrow... giving in to my feelings.  She's told me repeatedly "it doesn't really matter what you feel; you need to do what's right and best for you in that situation."  Darn, because I'm awful at it.

I've been thinking a lot about submission lately.  Probably from reading all these DD blogs.  :)   I really don't have any people in my life that I have to answer to-- even with my jobs, I'm pretty much free to do what I want and rarely see my bosses.  I don't think that's necessarily good for me... especially if I ever get married someday.  

I told S that the other day and told her she really should tell me what to do sometimes ... she texted back and said "clean your room"  :).  It made me happy and made me think she cared about me.  Since I've been feeling distant lately, it was a nice moment.  (My room was pretty clean already, so it wasn't a big deal to clean it.  I don't know if she actually expected me to or not... I do have a history of being stubborn with her).   She's the only one will give me orders, and said this summer she was going to stop because I'm a grown woman... I freaked out a bit because it made me think she wasn't going to care about me.  I did tell her that and we talked about it, and by the time our time together was almost over, she was telling me little things to do.  At the airport, she told me to come with her, I sat a minute, mostly wondering if she really meant it and wanted me there; she turned and gave me "the look," so I scrambled and said to my friends "I think I'd better go."  Made me happy that she wanted me with her, though.

She's my most "toppy" friend, does expect me to listen to her; unfortunately, I only see her once a year.  She's even, playfully, threatened me with spankings (once because I was being a brat, once because it was my birthday) and "whipped" me with a pair of capris as I was hiding under the covers because I'd made some comment about her age (almost twice my age).  It didn't hurt, I could feel it, though, and she was definitely asserting herself.  If there hadn't been other people in the room, I could have more fun with it, but I'm SHY and was a bit embarrassed. 

H has rarely ever told me to something specifically (when I was helping at camp, but she was in charge there), but tomorrow when we talk and come up with a plan for going forward, H said she has ideas.  I know I won't like some of them (do I want a bed time and, even worse, have to get up at a certain time?  no way), but I've told myself if H thinks it's a good idea, I can at least try it.  A week won't kill me, and we can re-evaluate next week.  She's helping me, and I don't want to get all stubborn on her.  I trust her-- even made extended eye contact on Sunday, just to make sure-- I know she's wise and am willing to listen to her (you can remind me of this when I get fussy)  ;). 

Okay, need to get some work done.

Feeling nervous, so figured I'd come write about it.

I keep thinking "if I can just get through tomorrow, I'll be fine."  I think this a lot, though.  When I have a headache, I don't think "what can I do about it" or "how can I make this better," just "suck it up and get through it.  Kinda my view on life now too, I guess.  My dad has an illness that's slowly killing him, but he probably won't die from it for years.  So, there's nothing he can do about it except try to get rid of some of the side effects.  He just has to get through it.

I'm soo clingy lately too.  On Sunday one of my friends had to go do something, and I was like "don't leave me!"  Yeah, I actually said that.

Proud of myself today so far, though.  Got up and got breakfast even though I couldn't have my usual.  I don't want to eat... much harder when I'm nervous, but I so need it to keep myself on an even keel.  If you know me in person, I don't usually talk about what I've done well, praise myself-- praise usually makes me uncomfortable and I don't breathe, and it makes me feel awful about myself.  It's easier to write about here.  But, S even praised me in a text when I told her about breakfast... a good for you and keep it up!!! (yes, with three exclamation points).  That made me happy too.  I will say that I LOVE praise from H... she's very encouraging so I can't even say she doesn't praise me often (because she does), but I know that I deserved it and therefore don't mind (since she has high standards).

So, tomorrow I start at a new school (really, the first day is easy, so I don't know why I'm worried: introductions and go over the syllabus), have a counseling session, and start tutoring (haven't tutored in eight years, but I'm sure that will go fine once I get over the initial nervousness).  Enough for one day?  And then I'll go to church and my friends will ask "how was teaching" and I want them to because I want to know they care, but I don't want to talk about it necessarily.

But, between tutoring and church, I have some time to walk.  :)  That should help me process the day.  I'm going to need two changes of clothes and two meals and will be gone for fourteen hours-- long day for me!  Typically, my definition of a "busy day" is that I have two things scheduled.  No, I'm not an introvert and homebody at all.  ;)

Okay, that turned out to be longer than I was expecting.  Time to go make lunch.

Breathe (just a little reminder to myself-- will need it tomorrow too!).

It's night, it's quiet, and I have more time to think, which isn't really a good thing at this point.  I was doing fine today!  I can feel that nervousness peeking around from behind my stomach.  Go away.

I AM doing well overall, and I keep telling myself that.  I haven't freaked out, I haven't broken down crying... but I have been very tempted to act out and get into trouble.  It's kind of difficult to actually get into trouble, and I'd probably have to hurt a friend to do so, so I avoid it as much as possible.  No one tells me what to do, so I can't defy anyone and get in trouble that way.  It's so difficult to get into trouble (yeah, I know, I won't hear most of you complaining about that).

I was going to spank myself today, but never really wanted to.  Oh wait, I did this morning and forgot about it.  Tomorrow might be a different story.

H and I are meeting Friday.  I've been thinking about that a lot-- at least I have something to (semi) look forward to.  ;)

OH MY WORD, I HAVE TO BE A FREAKING GROWN-UP (well, okay, I already am, but)...  AND ACT LIKE ONE NOW.

Today was good.  I knew that if I didn't work out of my funk yesterday that I would struggle today, so glad I did.  I went to church and stayed for the cookout.  Afterward, my friend D with whom I'd tagged along a bit said "you did it!"  That made me smile.

Talked with H a bit, and we didn't make any concrete plans yet (supposed to get together this/next week), she did lay down a few boundaries.  We're going to get together every week or so for a little check-in/accountability.  She doesn't want to only talk about that, though-- fine with me-- and wants to keep our relationship going.  She also said she doesn't want to talk about accountability at other times... my check-in will be the only time so I don't become dependent on her.  Okay, I understand that, even if I don't necessarily "like" it and it scares me a bit to not have someone to text and be like "hey, I'm having a hard time..." instead, I have to suck it up and get on with it myself.  I think I'd rather be dependent on someone else.  ;) 

Hiked in the rain this afternoon.  The woods are so pretty in the rain.  I also got stung/bit by something, and it's still bugging me two hours later... like chills every once in a while, and it aches.

I think I'm doing pretty well and am happy with myself.  Considering I have a huge transition coming up, I haven't panicked, haven't given up, am still breathing and hiking and eating.

Still freaking out-- in a good way, of course.

H mentioned a schedule... bedtime... and a time to get up.  She used to term "strict flexible schedule," which I like much better.  Hard-and-fast times make me want to rebel and feel like I'm too restricted, but having an hour in which to retire and get up should help.  Just don't want to set my alarm on days I don't have to get up.

I didn't think I needed a bedtime, but last week I would postpone going to sleep just because I knew I'd have to wake up the next morning if I did.  So, I'd stay awake for as long as I possibly could until I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. 

H said she knows how I feel.  We've had a conversation about negative thoughts and keeping those away, replacing them with good thoughts, and she shared her experience with me... and said it took her two years of hard work.  I've been working on that since our conversation in February.  The depression, I don't think she's gone through that, but apparently something resonates.  She said it's hard for her because she's been there, and I don't want it to be hard for her!  That made me cry.

In some ways she's more effective than my counselor because she's willing to jump in there with me.  She believes that I'm really in trouble (whereas my counselors and some friends don't think it's a big deal) and she knows it's important to acknowledge sin as sin-- and that it's serious.  And, she's good with specifics.

Yay for good things.  :)  And for feeling the tiniest bit of hope.

Saturday evening and things are much better.

I dragged myself off my bed and got some food, finally, although not until 1:30.  Had to talk myself into it.  I'm working on making good choices-- ones that will help me in the long run even if I don't see benefits immediately.  Okay, so I get immediate benefits from eating, and still I don't.  But I do have a hard time with any sort of "looking to the future."

Had quite a long text chat with H.  She suggested things to change, I kept thinking "there's no way I can do this," asked if we could talk about it later when my attitude/mood was better, we resumed this evening, and now I'm still freaking out and scared.  I think there's a possibility I can change, so that's an improvement.  H said "you don't have to worry about the long run.  Just today.  Even just this moment.  Christ is where you can do all things."  Even just this moment sounds scary, but much more do-able.  I don't want H to know just how freaked out I am.  She's one of those always-with-it kind of people, ya know?  I know she's not perfect because no one is, but it sure seems like it.  She's just about ten years older than I but seems so much wiser and more mature.  I feel more like one of her children most days instead of an equal adult.  But I really appreciate her being willing to help me out and at least someone has confidence in me even if I don't! 

H just texted and said she's willing to help and we can sit down with a plan.  Yes, I want it, but damn, I'm scared (but in a good way, I guess!).  And it does make me feel relieved that I don't have to do it all by myself.  But H can be rather intimidating and I know how she works and she has high expectations... which I like and I can have high expectations too.  I get tired of people saying "oh, it's okay" when I mess up-- and it's really not!  That doesn't help people get anywhere.  Rant over.  ;)

Plans are in place for church tomorrow.  There's a cookout afterward which I may or may not attend... we'll see how church goes and if I'm up for it or not.  Who knows, I do occasionally feel like talking to people and going into large rooms with high ceilings and 150 other people.  :D

Whew.  Okay.  Now I have to get out my clothes for tomorrow and make sure I have everything ready since I'm not a morning person and can't think before I've been up for an hour or so.  :)

Saturday morning... well, afternoon.

Had a great evening with friends last night and came home and crashed... as in felt awful, crying for no particular reason, hoping to die... I fell asleep mercifully early (especially considering I'd only awakened 13 hours earlier) because I controlled my breathing and started repeating Bible verses instead of the overwhelming negative thoughts.  Spent the morning awake in bed.  I could reach out to friends, but that would require effort and I might actually have to *do* something as a result.  I haven't eaten since 4:30pm yesterday, which I know doesn't help, but the act of fixing food would require getting out of bed and movement.

H sent me a truthful e-mail yesterday, but I wasn't in a place to accept those things... just made me feel worse about myself.  My counselor also e-mailed me some helpful thoughts, but again, I can't read them now.

It's easier to just hide than to move forward.  I'm even torn between what I want.  Do I want to sit in bed all day?  And possibly all weekend?  Yeah, kinda.  Do I want to get up and get going and go to church tomorrow?  Yeah, kinda.  I don't feel like it, but, as I've been reminded multiple times, quit relying on my feelings and do what's right. 

Darn it.

Well, I was going to go to bed since I have to get up in 7.5 hours, but now S has texted me.  Three whole times.  I'm hoping if I keep asking her questions, she'll keep responding... it's worked so far!  So, I probably won't sleep until she does.  Her first text was completely normal, in tone, syntax, etc.  I always feel like I have to ask the important questions while I have her, but I don't want to scare her off.

Stress today.  I drank lots of caffeine, mostly sweet tea, but even a cup of coffee.  I figured if I was going to be jumpy in my head, I might as well feel that way too.  I also gave myself quite a few spankings.  Not ideal, and I'd rather I had someone to do it for me, but it gets some of the tension out.  I think I'll be a bit sore tomorrow.

Meeting tomorrow.  I've been thinking about it all day and nervous.  Actually, I have two meetings.  The first is the one I'm most worried about because I don't know anyone and we'll have a box lunch afterward, so we'll have to sit around and chat.  Hopefully my social anxiety won't be too bad.  I keep reminding myself that talking to people in my field usually isn't too bad.  But, as I'm new, I might well be a "target" of conversation.

Didn't go to church tonight... decided it was too much work.  Yes, it's work for me to leave the house.  On Sunday I ended up leaving partway through the service, going downstairs, and sitting down there.  I didn't have a panic attack or anything, but I couldn't listen and breathe at the same time and was getting tired of all the attention required to do both, so gave up.  It was easier to just sit in the half-dark, arms around my knees, and not think about all the people in the room.

I'm trying trying trying to not get frustrated with S.  I understand her need to withdraw-- I do it too, did it today-- and go into hiding.  I just don't know why it's taking sooo long.  Even when I withdraw, I still want to hear from people, for them to contact me, and I'll at least return their concern, especially in a "safe" form of communication like e-mails or texts.  Phone calls, probably not.  But she doesn't, and I don't understand that.  Didn't hear from her at all yesterday, but today I at least got a "good morning to you" and she answered one of my questions with two words.  That's how I know when she's not doing so great... when she's not her chatty self.  When she doesn't answer my questions.  When she doesn't want to text chat.  We haven't done that in almost two months.  We haven't phoned, either, since I saw her six weeks ago.  Actually, it's kind of amazing that I've lasted this long since I never have before.  Good thing I love her.  :)  But I do miss her consistency and concern for me.  I've been trying to get her to see that she needs to make changes, and she's responded to that a bit, but doesn't make any long-term changes and won't commit to anything.  I can't push her because I don't feel comfortable and I don't know how bossy and up-front I can be... and still be respectful.  I've told her to do things a few times before, but playfully, and she responded to that.  Getting someone who's 30 years older than you to do something is tricky!  I want her to talk about what's bothering her (especially since I know what it was and was there), but I can't force her to do that either-- especially when she won't respond to texts or calls.

At least she's just as stubborn as I.  Maybe she's just giving me a taste of my own medicine.  ;)

Wherever my good energy went, I want it back!  lol.

Yesterday was good-- walked with a friend, teaching, errands, phone conversation.  I'm trying to be very intentional, knowing what's coming... starting at a new school next week, and I hate transitions.  I'm also feeling like I don't have much support through this transition, and typing that was enough to make me feel breathless.   It's not just a new situation: that I could handle well enough, but it's closely tied to job loss and insecurities and lack of confidence.  I'm trying to not let myself get down-- or dwell on it.  And breathe.

I know I have friends who care about me-- H reminded me on Sunday when I was commenting on a friend who doesn't.  She said it seriously, it was so cute: "you have many friends who care about you."

And, being deliberate, I'm going to sign off and make some breakfast because that's a first positive step.  Whole wheat toast with peanut butter, fruit and yogurt smoothie.  Lots of protein to help with tryptophan and serotonin.

Thinking about definitions... I don't think that "bad day" is a good idea.  They're not always completely bad.  Down Day would perhaps be more appropriate.

I've struggled with depression on and off the past eight years... when my counselor said that the other day, I was like "wow, eight years?  That's a long time."  Especially when one is in their early thirties.

It's a part of my life now, but overall getting better.  I actually thought I had it licked but then lost my job two years ago.  I stayed on top of that quite nicely but then had a rough summer and that got me back into a deep, deep depression.  My friend "suggested" for over a year that I go to counseling, but it took me that long to want to do it and be in a place where I was ready.

I've had Good Days lately, and I'm so thankful!  Those are the days I can get things done without talking myself into it.  The Down Days are the ones where I'm wishing for a disciplinarian.  Female, because I'm not entirely sure I'd trust a guy at this point.  Some sort of aunt/mother/older sister role.  I have plenty of those in my life-- most of my friendships also look like this, but without the discipline aspect.

As I was telling H last night, I want consequences.  I know that decisions and actions are supposed to have them, but I don't see that they really do.  Or, at least, not bad ones.  If I don't clean my house, big deal: I just do it later.  It doesn't cost me anything.

Speaking of that, I actually do need to get cleaning up...

For once, I think I might be getting better.

I had a really good weekend, camping and hiking.  Even some un-planned socializing with people I don't know.

I had a long talk with H last night at church.  She was encouraging.

I know that most of my issues stem from lack of self-discipline, but I'm not exactly sure *how* to get that discipline.  Or how to create in myself.  On Good Days, like today, I can talk myself into doing things and not procrastinating.  Bad Days, not so much.

And, I'm getting along mostly on my own.  I had a good talk with my counselor last week.  But, since my friend S has been mostly incommunicado the past two months, I've had to get along without her.  When usually I'd rely on her for advice, encouragement, her ability to see what's best for me.  I somehow just realized today that I've managed to get along without that.  She praised me once, but otherwise, our roles have almost been reversed and I've been the one telling her what to do.  She's much like myself in that she doesn't listen to the point of carrying out, but... at least she listens.