I don't even know what I'm feeling.  Stressed, sometimes.  Mostly just emotionally blocked, which I don't think is even a feeling.  I'm not sure how to get over this.  I feel like I need some sort of big emotional release, but not sure how to get it.  Is crying enough?  I could listen to my friend's funeral message.

I guess I don't have much to say.  I wanted to journal so I could figure out what I was feeling and then release it, hopefully.  Maybe everything I was feeling last night and at 4am this morning has gone?  I don't think I pushed it back... I wasn't trying to.

Last night's conversations with C were HARD.  Hmm yeah the panic attack and suicidal thoughts were probably an indication of that.  If I had to choose I'd still say I'd rather be able to repress feelings for a while and have a 30 second panic attack than have to deal with them..  the former is much faster.

Had to come write this so I can get back to work and maybe actually focus!

I'm used to getting my way with my friends, apparently, because when someone challenges me (AND actually gets their way), it's a shock. 

Last night I texted C because I was annoyed... why is it that when I most need to talk, I clam up and am least likely to actually do so.  It's so much harder if I'm feeling "tough," and almost impossible because I don't do it. 

She wrote back a few times, asking what was wrong and encouraging me to tell her, and why it was good to not ignore things.  Then, why don't we plan to talk after church on Wed. 

I was like no, I don't want to
C: Yes, we shall talk. 
Me: Please, no.  
C: Ok, if you're not ready now, we'll talk later. 
Me: If I tell you before Wed, then can we not talk?
C: No, you have to do it in real life... it's important.
Me: I can't... I'm not going to (ack!  how did I really say that??)
C: when do you see your counselor next.
Me:  Sep 11.  how about if I email you what's going on beforehand and then we can talk about it?  because I know I won't actually be able to tell you...
C: that's fine friend...

So we did compromise, but not only did I NOT get my way, but C won.  By the end of the conversation, I would've been happy to just text her what was going on like she'd initially asked, but NOPE, it wasn't an option anymore.

The other day, when she'd told me to take my melatonin, the conversation went like this:

Me: What’s that?

C: All right smarty pants!!  Get with the program!!

Me: Just depends which program that is, I guess.

C: The program is… It’s melatonin time!  Ready, set, GO!!

No questions

No back talk

No trash talk

…. That’s the PROGRAM!

Did u know I have a STRONG SIDE??

Now I'm mostly thankful for her strong side... guess I didn't realize just how strong it was!  She's the first person in a long time who hasn't backed down to me or let me talk her out of it.  Doesn't mean I'm looking forward to the conversation on Wed any more, though.