I went into hiding last weekend.. didn't send out many texts, didn't do a whole lot other than work.

I've been doing well-- a few trips: camping, visiting relatives a few states away.  I was fine all week, until Thursday night, when I could feel the depression coming.  It was scary, it was strong, and my breathing was erratic.  I took control: tried to read a few Bible verses, but couldn't focus, so laid on the floor to breathe.  The controlled breathing that my counselor suggested, with a Bible verse, got me out of it.  I was exhausted afterward.

So yeah, have been struggling the past few weeks.  I write when I'm doing well.

Right now I feel like I'm a mess and have gotten myself in really deep.  I've totally screwed up my spending, have missed a few classes, my house is still a mess (although did spend twenty minutes on it today).

Met with H last week...  her assignment was to think about this question before I make decisions: how will it affect those in circles around me?  (family, friends, church, job, etc).  Even on Sunday, the pastor was talking about talking to ourselves-- instead of letting self take over, to do what we want, we need to talk to ourselves.  Even the Psalmist did it: why are you downcast, my soul?   I can do that-- I'm getting better-- but moving from the talking to the doing is the hard part!  I did it on Sunday-- talked myself into meeting my friend and going to church, even though I was positive on Saturday that I wouldn't.  And on Sunday, too, even though it was the right thing to do.

Then, in conversations I've had with H through text recently, she's been emphasizing how I need to go to Christ.  I get it, I can do it sometimes, but I don't always seem to have the emotional connection that makes that fulfilling.  I'd rather talk to friends.  I told H that I had lots to say next time we talk, lots of ideas running through my head.  :)

Today was good.  Taught, walked 5 miles, met a friend for part of the walk, got my online grading done, did some cleaning up.  Productive, and I like those days.

Went to a great play over the weekend... it was called "The Last Train to Nibroc" and had one actor and one actress.  It centers on a woman who meets a soldier on a train during WWII.  I was surprised to have some spanking talk in Act II!  She was a school teacher at that point, and he was acting like a troublesome student, so she threatened to paddle him.  They must have said the word "paddle" at least six times, although I can't remember the dialogue.  I do remember that when he threatened to run away, then asked what she would do, she said "I would get a switch because it's easier to reach you."  Had a few interesting visuals there...  :)

I skipped class today... which isn't so bad if you're the student, but much worse when you're the teacher.  I awoke at 5:30, didn't feel great, was very warm, sat deliberating for quite a while before I sent the emails to cancel (I was pretty darn sure I'd feel better when I awoke for good an hour later).  I knew I shouldn't do it, but I did anyway.  It makes me feel lousy and hate myself... so I try not to think about it too much.

Not sure what H will say when I tell her... and I really don't want to.  She's done subbing this week, so we should be able to meet semi-regularly now.  Good, because I feel I've lost all control.  I also slept til 10 when I'm supposed to be up around 8.

I've also been spending waaayyy too much money.  It's October, and I need to buckle down and focus on saving and such.  That also makes me upset with myself.

I want a spanking so I can move on... probably deserve two.

Don't want to go to church... just want to stay curled up in my warm, comfy bed (it's 62 in my house) and relax and not think about what's going on outside my house.  I'll have to do that tomorrow anyway.

I didn't go to church this morning, but it's been weeks since I skipped night church.  I know what H would say: it doesn't matter what I want, but I should do the right thing... I need to go to church... it encourages me and others... to not give into myself... that this is important.

Maybe I need to make some changes the week I have papers to grade: no socializing, and stay home and focus on work.  I thought staying home yesterday would be enough, but I guess not.  Maybe I don't need to cut out socializing altogether, as I'm still getting together with my deaf friend every week... but the five hours we spent together on Friday could've been cut back.  I guess I'm realizing that I need to plan better-- in the past, I didn't plan anything during my grading weekends.

H would probably ask if socializing is more important than church.  No, it's not, and church covers both anyway, so it's not like church leaves me unsocial.  When I made my self care plan, I said church every week, and I've been going twice a week-- but that's just my defense, and... well, I can hear H's reminder last week "Wednesday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, we go to church."  But then I think I've already skipped this morning, it won't hurt to skip again.

Then I think that I'm doing well-- getting everything done-- and deserve a "break."  Church shouldn't be included in that break.  I'm not doing that well because my house is still a mess even though I spent a half-hour cleaning it up yesterday.  And, I'm thinking about going away next weekend, which is probably not what I nor my house nor budget need but what I want.

Maybe I'll be able to talk myself into it by later today... that happens sometimes.

I've been busy this week grading essays, but I got them done today.  No one was late, either, so I'm done... until Tuesday, that is, when I get essays for my other class.

Had a bit of a freakout on Thursday because there was so much to do... I was gone all day Wed and Fri, so it's been a long week.  It's getting done, although the house isn't as clean as I'd like it to be at the beginning of a new week.

At times the craving to get in trouble comes so strongly... it's all I can think about.  Of course, it's not very easy for me to get in trouble because I don't have people who specifically tell me what not to do/to do.  I guess I do it because I want attention, but it's not like people won't give me positive attention if I want it (most of the time).  I could be mean to people, but I don't like doing that and I always feel badly afterward.  S used to scold when I was negative about myself, but she doesn't anymore unless I'm with her.

Sigh... getting into trouble is so difficult.