I was thinking about Ana's definition of DD that she posted the other day:
A committed relationship in which one person guides, supports, and gives correction to another.

If we're talking about non-physical correction, than that looks a lot like my relationship with C.  "Discipline," yes-- "punishment" or "spanking," no.  C's pretty clearly in charge here-- she knows what's best for me, she cares about me.  She's not afraid to tell me when I'm in the wrong.  I also get a lot from her, too, because we text throughout the day and I'm not lonely.  We have fun when we're together and even in texting.  :) And I know if I really need to get something done that day, I can tell C (send her a list, even) and she'll check on me throughout the day if she can and ask if I'm getting things done.  I do that at least once a week.  Last week, I had a rough day and didn't get much cleaning done like I'd originally planned. 
C: can you find one small area to clean?
So, I did that, and of course she asked me to do something else afterward.  It's nice to be able to ask for help and get it.

I guess I was thinking about this because I've been working with the idea of submission a lot.  I really have to work to get in the right mindset so that I'm not being mean to her or not taking her advice.  Last weekend was a good example of that-- I was working on C's Christmas present Saturday night and praying for her-- that didn't help much, so then I wrote the email to try to feel better, and then finally Sunday wrote the really nice one.  That worked.  But, to be able to accept correction, I have to work hard to not get defensive and argumentative (let's just say I LOVE arguing).

Last night I said "we'll have to talk about this later because I'm too emotional right now and don't want to say something stupid or just react instead of thinking things through."  We were talking about church and my lack of attendance Sunday mornings, and I got a bit of a lecture (HOW can tone carry over so clearly in text?  She was definitely not happy with me).  She said it makes her sad when I don't go...UGH.  I started writing an email this morning, but just now said I didn't think I wanted to keep talking about it...because she will tell me I'm wrong, I'll feel like crap...so can we just not play through that cycle again?  She's at work, so hasn't responded yet.  We shall see...

Maybe I sound a little obsessed with C....she's just a big part of my life right now...my "bestest friend" at the moment.  We text back and forth all day, e-mail sometimes, and I see her twice a week and usually end up talking for at least a few minutes each time, sometimes longer.  So yeah, she's important.

She's also pretty humble.  And not.  It's such a weird combination.  She will absolutely stick to what she knows is right, no backing down.  I was pretty frustrated and had told her that it didn't seem like she was hearing/understanding what I was saying, so we talked about that.  She still wasn't getting it, but later was like "it's not like I just grab people passing by and bring them into our conversation!" and I actually had enough gumption to say "but you do!"  She was about to protest "no," and say something else, but stopped.  That was the point I'd been trying to make all along.  "I don't see what you're seeing, but there must be some there.  I'm sorry, I didn't meant to do that.  Will you forgive me?"  SUPER HUMBLE.  I would never be able to do that.  And later, she joked "when you see me doing that, you can kick me and be like 'see, I told you so!'"

She also said something along the lines of "are you saying that....(don't remember what it was, but it was something negative about herself)" and I was able to say "yes."  Between those two, I felt much better when we were done.

It's VERY hard for me to talk.  Once again, to get to this conversation, C had to say we were going to talk, even though I protested with a no.
C: we r going to talk about this sunday night dear lizzie...
L: Noooo we aren't
C: Yes we r
L: You said now or later and i picked now!
C: We r not finished and texting isn't cutting it

Hmmm...she is nicer than she sounds!  I was having a hard time with the e-mail she'd written the night before (after I had written a bit more about what was upsetting me), and to me it felt like she was just saying "you're wrong, you're wrong."  So I felt a bit wounded, and still felt that way Sun afternoon, so knew I had to do something so that our conversation would go well that night!  I wrote her a nice long email, and every sentence started out "remember when" and ended with something I appreciated about her or liked about the memory.  She really liked it.  :) 

Still, I'm afraid I wasn't very responsive when we talked on Sun, and I apologized for it, but C just said it will take some practice.  Sun night was more difficult because I was talking about something about her that was frustrating for me, so that was very uncomfortable.  I really wanted to hide my face but didn't, just rested my hand on my chin/cheek most of the time.  I ended up sitting on the floor curled up next to the wall because I couldn't talk in the chair.  Mostly, C asked me questions (which I tried to answer, but I do remember one time saying "I can't say I don't know, because I do, but I really can't answer...") and talked.

She said she makes suggestions... I forwarded her the text from Friday and was like "this is not a suggestion..."!  (the "yes we are" part)  We'll see what she says.  I kinda feel like we might end up talking about this f2f.  But then, I never know because it seems like she picks the oddest stuff.  She's mentioned that before...about suggestions, and they are never off-track, just usually stuff I don't want to do or makes me uncomfortable.  Sooo it's good for me but hard!

Talked with C tonight... it wasn't too bad, but we had e-mailed back and forth yesterday...but yes, we did talk more about what I didn't want to, although C did kinda ask before we did.

Um, she used the S word...she was like "there are two reasons when I don't text you back... if I'm at work or if I want to spank you so I have to step back and wait a few minutes."  I added "and when you're asleep," but I was glad I wasn't looking at her when she said "spank," and how I wanted to be like "well, why don't you?"  She would be scary as a spanker!

Oh and I'm friend's with C's daughter, too-- a while back, she had told me about how she would talk back to her mom, her mom's response: "She would be like “Your tone, Michelle!”  and then whip me with the belt and put soap in my mouth."  I'm pretty sure I had nothing to say for the next few minutes as I pictured C with a belt...oh my.  Yup, sometimes I can't get that one out of my mind, but she's super patient and she's never even gotten upset with me.

Hint... if you want to get your way, don't have friends who are more stubborn than you.  Oh my word.

I didn't want to talk to C, so she said I could either tell her tonight or Sunday when we were planning to talk anyway.  I of course chose now, but then we've been back and forth tonight, off and on, texting, and she hasn't been getting what I'm saying.  Soo she said we could... wait, not could, WILL continue our conversation on Sunday, face-to-face.

I don't know if I'm just being stubborn.  I don't like talking f2f about hard stuff because it is so uncomfortable!  C had to drag it out of me tonight just through text, so if she thinks she's getting anything else on Sun, she's wrong.  I already said no, we're not continuing on Sun (pretty bold for me!), but that didn't work.  I think that not participating would be rude, and so would walking out before she has a chance to grab me afterward, and I think she would be hurt.

I know she's not (trying to) be mean and just wants me to get used to talking.  But I don't want to talk.

Well, I know that even if I don't say much, we will have a conversation about this on Sunday.  I know C well enough.  Sometimes consistency is comforting.

I don't even know what I'm feeling.  Stressed, sometimes.  Mostly just emotionally blocked, which I don't think is even a feeling.  I'm not sure how to get over this.  I feel like I need some sort of big emotional release, but not sure how to get it.  Is crying enough?  I could listen to my friend's funeral message.

I guess I don't have much to say.  I wanted to journal so I could figure out what I was feeling and then release it, hopefully.  Maybe everything I was feeling last night and at 4am this morning has gone?  I don't think I pushed it back... I wasn't trying to.

Last night's conversations with C were HARD.  Hmm yeah the panic attack and suicidal thoughts were probably an indication of that.  If I had to choose I'd still say I'd rather be able to repress feelings for a while and have a 30 second panic attack than have to deal with them..  the former is much faster.

Had to come write this so I can get back to work and maybe actually focus!

I'm used to getting my way with my friends, apparently, because when someone challenges me (AND actually gets their way), it's a shock. 

Last night I texted C because I was annoyed... why is it that when I most need to talk, I clam up and am least likely to actually do so.  It's so much harder if I'm feeling "tough," and almost impossible because I don't do it. 

She wrote back a few times, asking what was wrong and encouraging me to tell her, and why it was good to not ignore things.  Then, why don't we plan to talk after church on Wed. 

I was like no, I don't want to
C: Yes, we shall talk. 
Me: Please, no.  
C: Ok, if you're not ready now, we'll talk later. 
Me: If I tell you before Wed, then can we not talk?
C: No, you have to do it in real life... it's important.
Me: I can't... I'm not going to (ack!  how did I really say that??)
C: when do you see your counselor next.
Me:  Sep 11.  how about if I email you what's going on beforehand and then we can talk about it?  because I know I won't actually be able to tell you...
C: that's fine friend...

So we did compromise, but not only did I NOT get my way, but C won.  By the end of the conversation, I would've been happy to just text her what was going on like she'd initially asked, but NOPE, it wasn't an option anymore.

The other day, when she'd told me to take my melatonin, the conversation went like this:

Me: What’s that?

C: All right smarty pants!!  Get with the program!!

Me: Just depends which program that is, I guess.

C: The program is… It’s melatonin time!  Ready, set, GO!!

No questions

No back talk

No trash talk

…. That’s the PROGRAM!

Did u know I have a STRONG SIDE??

Now I'm mostly thankful for her strong side... guess I didn't realize just how strong it was!  She's the first person in a long time who hasn't backed down to me or let me talk her out of it.  Doesn't mean I'm looking forward to the conversation on Wed any more, though.

It's a deliciously cool morning, something like 60 degrees, and I can feel it indoors.  Yum.

Last week I had a bit of a breakdown... overwhelmed by everything I've NOT been doing.  I'm a supremely good procrastinator, you see.  I was feeling rather depressed and lacking motivation, so I wasn't getting anything done, and everything was piling up around me and making things worse.  So, I asked C if we could talk on Sunday, and she responded immediately with asking when.

We've become really good friends this year.  We text often-- in the morning, almost always, throughout the day sometimes, and ALWAYS at night.  It's so nice to have someone to talk to.  She's very nice to me, and tells me she likes me, and likes talking to me, and spending time with me.  No one has ever told me that before-- or at least in a way where they also acted like it.  It makes my life so much better.  At the same time I also struggle a bit because it gets to the negative part of me, and I'm thinking "there's no way she can like me!"  So I have more negative thoughts as a result.  But C is very patient with me and takes time to address my insecurities, even when I ask things like “why do you like me?”

But the talk on Sunday was SO good.  I was very nervous beforehand, and we had a little small chat as we got settled, about two minutes, but I was able to transition into my issues.  C had asked beforehand: what's on your mind? and I'd said I needed to get unstuck and wanted help creating a plan because it was too overwhelming to do on my own.  After a bit, I relaxed, reminding myself: “look, there’s C.  She likes you.  You like her.  Ya’ll talk all the time.  She loves you and wants to help you.”  She didn’t take charge of the conversation, but she was guiding it along and sometimes even suggested I do things: making a list (“did you write that down?”  of course I had…).

When we got to talking about me going to the dentist and mentioned phone calls, I said “ugh but I hate making phone calls,” and C briskly replied “well, you’re going to anyway” and I probably smiled, or at least wanted to.  I love the way she was so direct, and I haven’t seen much of that from her before because, well, she’s sweet.  But I KNOW she’s serious about all the serious stuff, and I like that she can be tough.  I think I’ll need that!  Somewhere toward the beginning, C asked if, the other day, when I told her what I was going to do, if that helped, and would I like to keep doing that.  UM, ABSOLUTELY!  That’s probably the most helpful for me, to have some accountability.  So, every day, I’ll tell her my plan and we’ll talk about that at the end of the night—what I accomplished.  My first day was amazing and I got A LOT done; yesterday I was depressed, but still kept on top of things and was successful.

C asked “when you’re depressed, should that change things?  Change your goals for the day?”  I paused before answering, mostly because I didn’t want to.  “No.”  “How do you know all the right answers?”  “I’ve been hanging out with H.”  J

Once we’d covered the four things I’d been procrastinating with, we’d ventured into other (less serious) territory, and C said “is there anything else you wanted to talk about today?”  Let me just say that her timing is impeccable; she asked the perfect questions at the perfect times.  Because yes, there was, but I wasn’t going to bring it up.  We’d already covered enough, and I didn’t want to load anything else on her.

Two minutes after we’d parted, C sent me a text: I like talking to you.  Me: Even like that??  Her: Why not?  That’s just part of real life and those are the kinds of things that matter.

Another text, later: I like the way your mind works and that you will tell me what you’re thinking…. And nooo I don’t hate you after “all that!”  I actually love you more….

Yesterday when hiking I got caught in a storm.  I could feel and smell it coming and thought about going back to the car for my umbrella, but didn't want to backtrack.  It started raining lightly, then harder, and soon I was wiping rain out of my eyes.  I wondered why the raindrops were hurting, looked on the ground, and saw hail, larger than pea-sized.  I kept laughing, randomly...what else was there to do?  I knew I'd be back to my car in ten minutes and could change.  I had to wring out my clothes when I'd finished!  But it felt so amazingly good and was energizing to me.

Been depressed on and off.  I was Sunday morning, and GJ texted me right before the service to say she missed me.  When I told her what was going on, she asked if I wanted to talk, and I said maybe companionship would be nice, so she invited me over that afternoon.  She'll be off on a trip for the next 10 days, and I'll miss her.  Even if she does tease me-- but, I give it right back.  :)

Let's see, what's been going on.  I'm doing okay, but it does feel very fragile and I feel stressed sometimes.  I'm trying to be very careful about what I do and have decided that church twice on Sundays before a long day on Mondays is too much.  I need to be able to go to work.  Next time, I'll know not to schedule a workday where I'm gone/working 14 hours for Mondays.

I did exercise five days last week, which included 14 miles of hiking.  Met H for lunch.  Got ahead with lesson plans and caught up with other grading work.  Made taquitos yesterday and put some in the freezer, and I still want to make a batch of granola to go with the yogurt in the fridge.  That reminds me-- I put a load of clothes in the dryer yesterday and never got back to them.  No grading this weekend, but I get essays tomorrow.

Have made a good menu plan for the next two weeks and trying to get back into whole foods again.  I haven't seen the health increase that most people claim, which is fine, but I'm sure it makes me feel better, and H did mention a good diet the other day.

I'm looking at buying a bread maker!  I have $65 in Amazon cash, so that could pay for much of it.  Then, when I have foods like hamburgers, pitas, pizza, I can know they're whole-grain and exactly what goes into them.  Maybe tortillas, too... I can make the dough on my own, but I don't like kneading it.  If I had a breadmaker, that would make what I eat so much better because that's the last hang-on from my old diet.  I've tried making breads on my own, but anything with yeast it has never risen for me.

Even non-yeasty things don't work well (other than scones-- I can make those!)... on Friday I made breadsticks which turned out fine, but I dumped the tray as I was putting them in the oven, and the very soft dough made them impossible to re-shape.  Yesterday I made an almond cake which tasted fine, but turned out too dense, buttery, and not exactly cake-like.  Pretty much nothing I bake works well, so I'm hoping a bread maker will improve this!

Can you tell I've been reading food blogs lately?  :)  That's the excitement in my life right now.

Sunday and Monday were rough and involved lots of crying, feeling weak, and giving up.  Okay, I did go to church on Sunday even though I didn't want to.  All services.  SS was stressful even though I was sitting with GJ... I had to focus on breathing.  I made myself go a bit early for evening service because my seat-mate was celebrating her 80th bday, but I just went in to deliver her card and give her a hug.

I crashed Sunday afternoon because I was hungry, Sunday evening after I got home from church.  I was texting C and we were talking about going in to work on Mon.  She was being very encouraging and even texted me Mon morning with some encouraging words and Bible verses.  I fell asleep around 11pm Sun night, which was good for me.  But then I woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep and spent two hours praying and reading my Bible and crying and struggling with myself and trying to get back to sleep... finally at 5am, I gave in and canceled my classes... and fell asleep 10 mins later.  Failure.

Today's better.  I got my work done (early, since I worked on it yesterday) and made some soup to share with my church neighbor and now need to clean up.  This anxiety is really getting to me.  I'm tired of living by myself and having to do everything by myself; I wish I could go live with someone else, if only for a few weeks until some of the stress goes away.  I also really need some hugs and physical contact because that would help as well... but good luck with either of those.

My life isn't even that bad, so I need to stop complaining and suck it up and get on with it.   Although the "I'm so sorry" from S yesterday was very nice.  :)  And E was great to help me break out of the mood Mon morning... at one point, when I'd texted her and said "I suck," she wrote back with an "oh, crap" which made me laugh.

Church tonight was great.  I helped with the kids during prayer time and then joined everyone else.  Afterward, there were six people I could've talked with.  I have SIX friends at church!  Well, even seven.  Except E is moving soon-- but she was there tonight, and I was so happy to see her because it had been two months and I actually felt happy, like a glow, and I didn't stop smiling for a while.

Spent at least twenty minutes talking with C...she's soo sweet and has great amazing tips for anxiety.  She knows the Bible so well and several times mentioned various Psalms.  When we were talking about anxiety or struggling before work, she told me she thinks "I'll do this for you," for God.  And, she mentioned looking back to my past for victories-- I've done it before and can do it again type thing.  It's only recently that I've even had victories, so that thought is new for me.  She said she wants to do a specific 5+ mile hike with me, and no one's ever said that before!  Plus, it's not the easiest hike.  Good thing she's fit, otherwise I'd worry.  I like people who like challenges.

I didn't even get to talk to GJ or H tonight.

More socializing tomorrow.  And then work, BUT I got a whole set of essays graded today, so I'm on top of things!  I could even go hiking on Friday!!

Have to be up in 7.5 hours... that's okay, I don't need to sleep.  Got through Monday on 6 hrs, and I had to teach til 9pm.  Tomorrow I only need to be social until 8:30.  :)

GJ said I could come over some Wednesday afternoon after I've finished tutoring.  She only lives a block or two from where I work, so I was hinting around a bit at that to see if maybe she would invite me.  But tried to not make it too obvious. 

'Night... long day tomorrow.  Long week ahead, really... won't have much of a break for the next two weeks.

I'm tired, but also not because I'm in a good mood.  Was eating some of the bread that C gave me yesterday while text chatting with her.  Just sent a message to GJ and got an email from H, so yay.

Haven't heard from S since yesterday morning.  I hope she's okay... she's a lot like me in that she tends to hide when she's depressed or things aren't going well.  Sigh.

Today was good even though it involved a lot of work.  I had a hard time focusing this afternoon, so E and I commiserated a bit.  Wow, I've talked with four church friends today.  Going to prayer meeting Wednesday nights has been good because I've gotten to know people better.  We get into small groups to pray and share prayer concerns, and people tend to be a little more open-- plus, it's just the women.  C was just really sweet to me in her text and said lovely things.  She seems to think I'm sweet.  :D

My friends at church are great.  GJ caught me after Sunday School and said she and her husband would sit with me... but I always sit with an older lady, so I said she didn't have to.  My older friend is going to be 80 next week!  and her children are having a little get-together for her before evening church.  Her husband died a year ago, so I'm glad we can sit together.

The morning service was rough... it took me about ten minutes into the sermon to breathe normally and not hold my breath.  Well, if you fall off the horse, get back up right away, so I went back tonight.  This morning I DIDN'T want to go, but I did tonight.  This morning, C gave me a CD with some songs on it that have encouraged her, and then we had a great text convo tonight about going to Christ and practicing faith.  It's encouraging to me, and she once told me that my words encourage her.

I've had a pretty good week, overall.  Had absolutely no motivation on Saturday, but I did get a few things done, and I don't think I was depressed.

BOO, tomorrow's Monday, my least-favorite day.  I'll work 10-12 hours.  Actually, I'm not looking forward to the next 1.5-2 weeks because it will be solid work... if I'm not teaching, then prep, and I get essays to grade on ... Wednesday, Friday, Monday, and Monday.  Yes, that's 90+ essays and then another 60+ paragraphs to grade... how I love having 180 students.  Or 160.  After 150, it's just a lot and I lose count.

I should've clarified with H this past week when she said I was doing well.  Okay, I'm doing well with not being as depressed, but I wasn't doing well with going to Christ and obeying God's word.  Tonight Pastor was talking about walking in obedience and getting power from it and growing from it, which was encouraging to me and a reminder to keep going.  C texted me a quote from Jerry Bridges: "PRACTICE the presence of Christ."

I can't wait until it's warm enough to go camping again (I went 8 times last year, to 7 different campgrounds).  I really want to try a backpacking trip this year, too... last year I only had a chance to do a short overnight one that had a pit toilet and water, so it wasn't very rustic at all.  I enjoy being out in the woods.  When GJ asked me what helped with my depression the other day, I said all the basic stuff, but I forgot hiking.  :)  It usually only takes about 20 minutes to lift my mood, and I'm sure that's one of the reasons why last year was so much better.  I visited the state parks 81 times (that's one of the places I hike) and hiked 732 miles.  I walked or hiked 150 days last year (okay, two week of that were when I was visiting a pedestrian society), which means that my average hike was 4.9 miles.  Yikes!  I know I had quite a few shorter ones.

I've walked a whole 10.25 miles so far this YEAR.  Yeah, a bit behind, but I'm not planning to go for high mileage like last year; I just thinking keeping track of everything is fun.

Maybe we'll have an early spring like last year and I can go camping in March again.  Mar 22nd last year I went hiking in the rain.... all day.  I was so glad to get into my car and get warm.  :)  I can remember all of these trips so clearly.  Sometimes I get various trails at various state parks mixed up-- I went to 10 different parks last year.

I should get out my guide and plan some fun new trips.  :)

Oh, FIVE great days in a row!

Having motivation is sooo weird... not that I'm complaining.  :)  I've had three great days so far, Mon-Wed, and today is looking good as well.  I enjoy smiling (and GJ said I have a nice smile last night).  I like having a goal of being able to get my to-do list done by 1 or 2 pm and actually doing it!

The anxiety is still up there and I can't sleep well, but I ordered some melatonin to help with that and it will be here on Saturday.  I also ordered a multi-vitamin to help overall as well.

I exercises on Tuesday for the first time in weeks... it was nice outside, 60 degrees, so I took a 4-mile bike ride and then a 2-mile walk.  Dusted off my workout videos to look at what I can use.  My options for hiking are a little bit more restricted than last semester, but I want to get some exercise at least three times a week.  I have two or three days a week when I can hike (and I like hiking in the winter/snow, so that's not a problem) and I have six workout videos from which to choose.  One of them is the Biggest Loser's Power Walk, which I love... it has 4 16-minute miles, but it's more than just walking because it gets your arms going and there's some light weight work as well.  If I'm not feeling like doing much, it's great to say "okay, I can do a mile walk"-- and then I almost always end up feeling better through it and doing another mile.  :)  I felt very mellow on Tues after my exercise-- I'm wondering if I can dare to do it before bed.  Honestly, I don't want to workout at 11pm or midnight, but it would probably work.

I'm still really nervous about church.  E leaving is really difficult.  She's my third go-to person I've lost-- that one person who, when church was over, I could go talk to them, like my family at church.  It always throws me when that happens because that's my safety net.  I don't want to just sit there and someone feel like they have to talk to me.  So, I don't want to go to church.  The last time my go-to people left, I stopped going for a few weeks, at least.  This time if I stop, H and GJ will ask where I've been.  I like the accountability, but I also want a break.  I'd rather not go until E actually leaves (they've been house shopping etc.) because that will make the transition easier.  At the same time, I don't want to go if she's not there.  It will be easier this time around, though, because I have more friends.  I have four friends I can talk to.

GJ's been very helpful on Wed night because she'll come sit with me.  Last night she asked if I wanted to pray with someone other than her, and I said "no, not really."  :)  I'm almost exactly the same age as her daughter, just a month older (but I really don't talk to her).  She asks good questions (which are starting to make me nervous, but I trust her!): yesterday I was talking about how I feel like I'm 50 or 60... she asked why... because I feel like I've experienced so much and each day seems so long.. she asked why... because the more I do, the longer my day seems.

H was exceedingly gracious yesterday.  I wasn't at all sure what to expect... she's typically either a hard-ass or very supportive.  At one point she even said "I think you're doing well!" and I said I didn't think so.  :)  She was like "we both knew you (or at least I did) that you would get depressed when you got home-- it makes sense-- but you got through it.  And you are doing better overall, right?"  Yup, I am, because I have good and even great days!

Now, off to do some dishes, work on weaving a scarf (a woman at church gave me a bag full of yarn, so I used some of it to make her a scarf), make dinner, and maybe build some LEGO!  Plus, tomorrow's Friday!

I've been so emotional lately.  I tear up at the littlest things (like Doc Martin leaving Port Wenn).  Maybe it's because my nephew was born on Friday (first grandkid in the family), and I won't be able to see him til Easter.  Maybe it's because E is moving.

At any rate, I've been hunkered down this weekend watching Doc Martin (S suggested it, and my counselor from my previous state), and I love it.  I wonder if different people take to it differently: if introverts relate to him, but extraverts feel sorry for him.  I can identify, anyway.  And of course want to drink lots of tea-- a result of the British accents.

Considering I didn't wake up until almost 11 this morning, I'm not expecting to fall asleep anytime soon.  Took my "calms" tablets, and am breathing deeply when I remember.  I'd say the anxiety is twice as bad as usual.

My counselor suggested journaling the other day... and I was able to tell her I'm already doing it.  She also reminded me of several things I could be doing-- all of which I know, but I forget.  When we talked about anxiety, she mentioned breathing with some sort of mantra.  I remembered doing that work for H and dug out those notes.  I just need someone to remind me what I need to do, since I can't figure that out myself.

Canceled any plans for the weekend (wasn't feeling so hot this morning), but still want to get to church.  Will try to get to church.  I think  I'll ask GJ to keep me accountable on that end... she notices if I'm there or not, and it's not even "I didn't see you," just "you weren't here."

Hope to get together with H this week... I hope.  She said we have a lot of catching up to do... that's a bit of an understatement because she doesn't know what's been going on.  I don't think she'll be too surprised, but she was pleased with my progress before.   Now I'm basically starting over again.

That reminds me, I need to do my Bible reading for today.  Not a fan of Numbers... although every once in a while I come across a name and think "that sounds like it belongs in The Hobbit or LOTR."

Yesterday wasn't much fun.  At least I taught.  And, I had a nice session with my counselor.  I thought I'd sit down and type out a few things while I wait for my lunch to bake.  It's going to be good, I think... brown rice, eggs, spinach, CHEESE.  :)  Three kinds.

Rode to church with my friends from town... if I'd have had to drive myself, I don't think I would have made it.  I was having a hard time making eye contact.  Afterward, I talked to one of my new friends, GJ, who said she likes it when I message her.  And she wondered where I was Sunday, and asked if I was sick.  I was like "kinda?" and of course she wanted to know what that meant.  So, I told her about my depression and she was nice and asked if I wanted to talk.  That was a lot of "ands," but I don't want to go back and revise.

Today's okay, but I must keep it together and clean up my house because I have friends coming tomorrow night... our annual sleepover (they're kids/teens and we've been doing it for five years).  House is mostly cleaned up, now to clean.

I think I'll make a cup of tea to go with my lunch.  And have some cherry tomatoes and a clementine.  Nice and healthy.

Today is so much better.  I'm not sure why... it could be a number of reasons...

1.  I had a nice text from S this morning.  She said she's seeing a softer side of me and it's comfortable.  She also shared her anxiety about a meeting at work, and I wrote back to reassure her, and we had a lovely exchange.

2. I have a counseling session tomorrow.  Although now, of course, I'm wondering if I really need it!  But I do want to talk about my anxiety for the semester.

3. I went back to sleep.  I woke up around 8:30 and my adrenaline was racing.  I was so nervous about teaching... I felt like I could feel my heart pounding.  I laid there for about an hour and finally fell asleep again.

4.  S sent me her document about hope... she had a notebook page of information she's been gathering, and I asked her to send it to me because that's one concept with which I really struggle... I understand the idea of hope in heaven, but not on earth.  It's S's word for the year.  I like this verse:

·         “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait” My hope is in you. Deliver me from all my transgressions.” Psalms 39:7