It's a deliciously cool morning, something like 60 degrees, and I can feel it indoors.  Yum.

Last week I had a bit of a breakdown... overwhelmed by everything I've NOT been doing.  I'm a supremely good procrastinator, you see.  I was feeling rather depressed and lacking motivation, so I wasn't getting anything done, and everything was piling up around me and making things worse.  So, I asked C if we could talk on Sunday, and she responded immediately with asking when.

We've become really good friends this year.  We text often-- in the morning, almost always, throughout the day sometimes, and ALWAYS at night.  It's so nice to have someone to talk to.  She's very nice to me, and tells me she likes me, and likes talking to me, and spending time with me.  No one has ever told me that before-- or at least in a way where they also acted like it.  It makes my life so much better.  At the same time I also struggle a bit because it gets to the negative part of me, and I'm thinking "there's no way she can like me!"  So I have more negative thoughts as a result.  But C is very patient with me and takes time to address my insecurities, even when I ask things like “why do you like me?”

But the talk on Sunday was SO good.  I was very nervous beforehand, and we had a little small chat as we got settled, about two minutes, but I was able to transition into my issues.  C had asked beforehand: what's on your mind? and I'd said I needed to get unstuck and wanted help creating a plan because it was too overwhelming to do on my own.  After a bit, I relaxed, reminding myself: “look, there’s C.  She likes you.  You like her.  Ya’ll talk all the time.  She loves you and wants to help you.”  She didn’t take charge of the conversation, but she was guiding it along and sometimes even suggested I do things: making a list (“did you write that down?”  of course I had…).

When we got to talking about me going to the dentist and mentioned phone calls, I said “ugh but I hate making phone calls,” and C briskly replied “well, you’re going to anyway” and I probably smiled, or at least wanted to.  I love the way she was so direct, and I haven’t seen much of that from her before because, well, she’s sweet.  But I KNOW she’s serious about all the serious stuff, and I like that she can be tough.  I think I’ll need that!  Somewhere toward the beginning, C asked if, the other day, when I told her what I was going to do, if that helped, and would I like to keep doing that.  UM, ABSOLUTELY!  That’s probably the most helpful for me, to have some accountability.  So, every day, I’ll tell her my plan and we’ll talk about that at the end of the night—what I accomplished.  My first day was amazing and I got A LOT done; yesterday I was depressed, but still kept on top of things and was successful.

C asked “when you’re depressed, should that change things?  Change your goals for the day?”  I paused before answering, mostly because I didn’t want to.  “No.”  “How do you know all the right answers?”  “I’ve been hanging out with H.”  J

Once we’d covered the four things I’d been procrastinating with, we’d ventured into other (less serious) territory, and C said “is there anything else you wanted to talk about today?”  Let me just say that her timing is impeccable; she asked the perfect questions at the perfect times.  Because yes, there was, but I wasn’t going to bring it up.  We’d already covered enough, and I didn’t want to load anything else on her.

Two minutes after we’d parted, C sent me a text: I like talking to you.  Me: Even like that??  Her: Why not?  That’s just part of real life and those are the kinds of things that matter.

Another text, later: I like the way your mind works and that you will tell me what you’re thinking…. And nooo I don’t hate you after “all that!”  I actually love you more….