I'm so sleepy and should be sleeping, but S called and I'm still a bit worked up from that.  Yes, she called... we were texting, she was driving so decided to call (after she almost hit a curb).  I'd thought of that but of course wasn't going to ask her to call since all previous requests to phone had been denied (or ignored).  Tomorrow will be two months since I've seen her.

And, she told me everything that's been going on the past two months: some of it I already knew, that she was struggling and had been quiet, either because she told me in bits and pieces or I knew from her silence.  But then specifics, all of the physical symptoms (many!) of her anxiety and she doesn't know why.  She said she didn't want to write/talk about it because it would make it seem real... like it wasn't real enough already?  I don't know how she manages to get over stuff because she doesn't talk... much like me before I went to counseling (the first time... this is the second).  Makes me look pretty tame, actually.  I asked what she was doing about all of this, because I can't NOT ask, and if it was helping.  She said yes, but I have to wonder at this point-- two months?  We only talked for 9 minutes, and S sounded a little insecure.  Since when am I the secure one?

I still worry about her.  Makes me want to cry.  I don't want to go to sleep in case she texts me again, either.  Maybe I'll just leave my sound on.  No way I'm telling her that I have to get up at 6 tomorrow because she'll feel badly.  She has told me to go to bed before.  When I stalled, she was like "don't make me be the 'mean mama' :)."  I do call her Mama... she hasn't been using terms of affection (she said, when I questioned why she wasn't using my nickname) but did call me "honey" tonight after I told her I loved her.

I know she's going through a lot, so have tried to be patient with her.  And nice.  Had this happened earlier, I mostly would have been frustrated at her silence-- and taken it out on her, and thought she didn't like me anymore.  Thankfully, I've had few of those thoughts and the times when I was frustrated, turned that around and sent a nice and encouraging text instead.

Hope H doesn't ask tomorrow what time I went to bed last night.  :D  This may well be my last night of staying up as long as I want, so I'd better make good use of it!

And, with that said, I really am tired.  Night, and thanks for listening.