Here's what I wrote yesterday, just didn't want to post it at work.

My day is going well… in a good mood, my classes went well (second class especially—they even talked!)  I let me students ask questions of my (with no promises to answer, mind) and I actually had to cut the second class off!  They had some good questions: do you have a dog, where would you like to travel in the world… fun, interesting.

My counselor commented on my good energy today.  She also said I’m “allergic to positives”… had to laugh because it’s true.  Of course, when I told S that statement, she said it’s because of my poor self image.  Gee, thanks.  As a Christian, I’m not always sure what my self-image should be: I am complete in Christ and my good comes from Him, but sometimes unsure how that translates to myself.  I’m sure H can help me with that.  :)  She’s good like that.

And, today...

I sometimes wonder if being in control doesn't make you more tired.  If I'm resisting, yeah, that's going to wear me out.  Yesterday I went to the wrong spot for tutoring-- a different building a few miles away from the other, had to drive to the other, and told myself on the way "you are not going to let this stress you out!  It doesn't really matter!-- and was a bit late.  No one was waiting, it didn't really matter, but I don't like fighting my moods and would rather give in.  I know this is what H and I are going to talk about tomorrow... giving in to my feelings.  She's told me repeatedly "it doesn't really matter what you feel; you need to do what's right and best for you in that situation."  Darn, because I'm awful at it.

I've been thinking a lot about submission lately.  Probably from reading all these DD blogs.  :)   I really don't have any people in my life that I have to answer to-- even with my jobs, I'm pretty much free to do what I want and rarely see my bosses.  I don't think that's necessarily good for me... especially if I ever get married someday.  

I told S that the other day and told her she really should tell me what to do sometimes ... she texted back and said "clean your room"  :).  It made me happy and made me think she cared about me.  Since I've been feeling distant lately, it was a nice moment.  (My room was pretty clean already, so it wasn't a big deal to clean it.  I don't know if she actually expected me to or not... I do have a history of being stubborn with her).   She's the only one will give me orders, and said this summer she was going to stop because I'm a grown woman... I freaked out a bit because it made me think she wasn't going to care about me.  I did tell her that and we talked about it, and by the time our time together was almost over, she was telling me little things to do.  At the airport, she told me to come with her, I sat a minute, mostly wondering if she really meant it and wanted me there; she turned and gave me "the look," so I scrambled and said to my friends "I think I'd better go."  Made me happy that she wanted me with her, though.

She's my most "toppy" friend, does expect me to listen to her; unfortunately, I only see her once a year.  She's even, playfully, threatened me with spankings (once because I was being a brat, once because it was my birthday) and "whipped" me with a pair of capris as I was hiding under the covers because I'd made some comment about her age (almost twice my age).  It didn't hurt, I could feel it, though, and she was definitely asserting herself.  If there hadn't been other people in the room, I could have more fun with it, but I'm SHY and was a bit embarrassed. 

H has rarely ever told me to something specifically (when I was helping at camp, but she was in charge there), but tomorrow when we talk and come up with a plan for going forward, H said she has ideas.  I know I won't like some of them (do I want a bed time and, even worse, have to get up at a certain time?  no way), but I've told myself if H thinks it's a good idea, I can at least try it.  A week won't kill me, and we can re-evaluate next week.  She's helping me, and I don't want to get all stubborn on her.  I trust her-- even made extended eye contact on Sunday, just to make sure-- I know she's wise and am willing to listen to her (you can remind me of this when I get fussy)  ;). 

Okay, need to get some work done.