Saturday morning... well, afternoon.

Had a great evening with friends last night and came home and crashed... as in felt awful, crying for no particular reason, hoping to die... I fell asleep mercifully early (especially considering I'd only awakened 13 hours earlier) because I controlled my breathing and started repeating Bible verses instead of the overwhelming negative thoughts.  Spent the morning awake in bed.  I could reach out to friends, but that would require effort and I might actually have to *do* something as a result.  I haven't eaten since 4:30pm yesterday, which I know doesn't help, but the act of fixing food would require getting out of bed and movement.

H sent me a truthful e-mail yesterday, but I wasn't in a place to accept those things... just made me feel worse about myself.  My counselor also e-mailed me some helpful thoughts, but again, I can't read them now.

It's easier to just hide than to move forward.  I'm even torn between what I want.  Do I want to sit in bed all day?  And possibly all weekend?  Yeah, kinda.  Do I want to get up and get going and go to church tomorrow?  Yeah, kinda.  I don't feel like it, but, as I've been reminded multiple times, quit relying on my feelings and do what's right. 

Darn it.