Saturday evening and things are much better.

I dragged myself off my bed and got some food, finally, although not until 1:30.  Had to talk myself into it.  I'm working on making good choices-- ones that will help me in the long run even if I don't see benefits immediately.  Okay, so I get immediate benefits from eating, and still I don't.  But I do have a hard time with any sort of "looking to the future."

Had quite a long text chat with H.  She suggested things to change, I kept thinking "there's no way I can do this," asked if we could talk about it later when my attitude/mood was better, we resumed this evening, and now I'm still freaking out and scared.  I think there's a possibility I can change, so that's an improvement.  H said "you don't have to worry about the long run.  Just today.  Even just this moment.  Christ is where you can do all things."  Even just this moment sounds scary, but much more do-able.  I don't want H to know just how freaked out I am.  She's one of those always-with-it kind of people, ya know?  I know she's not perfect because no one is, but it sure seems like it.  She's just about ten years older than I but seems so much wiser and more mature.  I feel more like one of her children most days instead of an equal adult.  But I really appreciate her being willing to help me out and at least someone has confidence in me even if I don't! 

H just texted and said she's willing to help and we can sit down with a plan.  Yes, I want it, but damn, I'm scared (but in a good way, I guess!).  And it does make me feel relieved that I don't have to do it all by myself.  But H can be rather intimidating and I know how she works and she has high expectations... which I like and I can have high expectations too.  I get tired of people saying "oh, it's okay" when I mess up-- and it's really not!  That doesn't help people get anywhere.  Rant over.  ;)

Plans are in place for church tomorrow.  There's a cookout afterward which I may or may not attend... we'll see how church goes and if I'm up for it or not.  Who knows, I do occasionally feel like talking to people and going into large rooms with high ceilings and 150 other people.  :D

Whew.  Okay.  Now I have to get out my clothes for tomorrow and make sure I have everything ready since I'm not a morning person and can't think before I've been up for an hour or so.  :)